Last Updated on July 23, 2021
So the NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET remake has finally hit theaters, and the overall reaction has been that it’s anywhere from a complete disaster to a generally OK but unnecessary movie. But make no mistake, no matter what you thought while watching it, this travesty is a complete celluloid failure from start to finish.
Does that mean that nothing in the movie works, or that Jackie Earle Haley is awful as Freddy? No. It just means that the mere existence of the film is a failure. Think that’s too harsh? Well read on and then spit those bullets if you still think so at the end. But do this for me. Try to imagine what your reaction to an NOES remake would be if you hadn’t been bludgeoned into submission by years of endless remakes that have shown less and less good judgment.
And understand from the outset that I do not consider the fact that remakes are inevitable right now to be sufficient reason to support them. Now, let’s get this done.
WARNING – UNAPOLOGETIC REMAKE HATRED BELOW!
5. IT’S STILL A VIABLE FRANCHISE
NEW NIGHTMARE and FvJ were both successful continuations of the franchise. Englund is obviously game to keep doing the role, and there are plenty of ways to have some fun with character. But all that is dead now, because they’ve decided to run the remake train, which means the original franchise will see no more entries. And that’s a damn shame.
4. TOO SIMILAR TO THE ORIGINAL
Gus Van Sant said the reason he did the shot for shot remake of PSYCHO was so that no one would ever try it again. Sadly he forgot what town he works in. Not that the new NOES is the same deal, but it’s too damn close to the original to have any reason to exist. The whole thing plays out like a big budget YouTube fan video. But nobody on YouTube asks us to pay to see their stuff. They realize that serving up a pale imitation of an outstanding original, while potentially entertaining, is not worth paying for.
3. OK IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH
A lot of people are giving the remake credit for being decent. For the most part critics have fallen somewhere between “it sucks” and “it’s OK”. But OK is not a good enough reason to remake a movie. If you take an amazing original idea and film, then remake it, of course the result is going to be at least OK, because you are pulling from amazing material. But it’s stupid to do so just because. If you have nothing interesting, exciting, or new to add, then leave that bitch alone!
2. IT MADE MONEY
It may seem counterintuitive to say that making money indicates failure, but it does. A failure of common sense, because movie goers keep falling for the same rope-a-dope. Hear about a remake, get mad, then get dazzled with either interesting casting or a few cool clips and then decide to go see the film. And it’s no good. Everytime it’s no good. And until we stop spending our money on this con, we’re just gonna get more of the same.
1. FREDDY
Jackie Earle Haley is great. I love the guy. But he has no business in this role because the role belongs to Robert Englund. Back in the day John Lithgow was up for the role of Hannibal Lecter, and would have been an interesting choice for the role, but who the hell would want to see that now. It just wouldn’t work. JEH gives his all as fans should expect, but he’s not Freddy, and no amount of pretending will make it so. The worst part is that Englund won’t get a chance to play the role again because of it, so ironically the remake really has finally killed off Freddy Krueger.
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