Last Updated on July 23, 2021
I was psyched to check out THE LAST AIRBENDER recently, hoping it would be a return to form for Shyamalan. Sadly it’s not only the worst film he’s made, it also tarnishes an amazing show through the magnitude of its suckiness.
Which got me to thinking about other films that I’ve been excited for, and left sorely disappointed. Sometimes it’s a sequel that falls flat, or a cool concept that couldn’t sustain a feature run time. Hell, occasionally you just have a flick that falls apart for no clear reason.
So this week is all about those films that brought us in with the promise of a great lay, but ended up treating us like vagina dentata munching on a jimmy. Spit bullets on the films that took advantage of your faith in good horror, and let’s all work together to expose those bastards to the cruel light of day.
WARNING – EPIC SUCK BELOW!
5. MIRRORS
After HIGH TENSION and a very decent remake of THE HILLS HAVE EYES it was hard not to get excited about a new movie from horror auteur Alexandre Aja. Especially since he brought along none other than Jack Bauer as his leading man. Alas, all that positive mojo didn’t manage to sear our collective brain pans like most of us hoped. It honestly did just about everything that I hoped, but ultimately the story fell flat. It was OK, but given that I went in expecting great, that was a shallow pay day.
4. THE VILLAGE
Anybody remember when M. Night Shyamalan was a good director and storyteller? Each new film he released was worthy of note because he’d served up three excellent, at times imperfect, but excellent films in a row. And here was an Oscar cast filled monster story that looked amazing and promised to be his best since THE SIXTH SENSE. So what happened? Bad writing, bad story, silly shenanigans all over the place. It’s like Night made a deal with the devil that only covered three films. And sadly, with the possible exception of LADY IN THE WATER, he’s done nothing but get worse and worse since.
3. VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED
Buy the VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED DVD here
It was around this time that I realized John Carpenter sort of follows a good film/bad film pattern. And dear God this is a bad film. In fact it’s only outpaced in suck by his ESCAPE FROM L.A. which would have been on this list except that the only horror about it is that it exists. Which is OK, because VOTD feels like a skit on SNL more than a legitimate attempt at horror. The cast doesn’t help any either, with a still walking Chris Reeve and the pre-fat Kirstie Alley hitting all the wrong notes. The whole thing pretty much has paycheck stamped all over it.
2. DIARY OF THE DEAD
Buy the DIARY OF THE DEAD DVD here
I was psyched for this new approach to zombie telling from the master because LAND OF THE DEAD was such a strong return to form. Sadly, this heavy handed, preachy misstep suffered from just about every affliction of the low budget filmmaking it was trying to ape. Bad acting, ridiculous effects, poor quality in general, and the constant annoyance that these people were too damn stupid to put the camera down. Sure there would have been no film, but in this case, that would have been a good thing.
1. EXORCIST II: THE HERETIC
Buy the EXORCIST II: THE HERETIC DVD here
Want to know how to derail a sequel? Well this piece of shite is like a paint by numbers explanation of how to do it. Stupidly tweak the mythology of the first film, make no sense, direct everyone to forget how to act, write groan inducing line after groan inducing line, and finally switch genres. Yep, I think that’ll about do it. Blair’s braless boobies look nice, though.
Got a Top 10 idea? Hit me up at [email protected]
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