IT’S THE BOOZE TALKIN’: Can we get better horror for Halloween, please?

Last Updated on July 23, 2021

Can We Get Better Horror for Halloween, Please?

One of the best parts about the Halloween time of year is that everybody becomes a horror fan, if even just for a few days. The culture as a whole begins to embrace horror films, every store has a huge sale on horror DVDs, and cable channels feature a non-stop barrage of horror flicks to keep you entertained through the night. Even places you wouldn’t expect get into the Halloween spirit, and because of this, for just one month out of the year, it’s a horror fans wonderland. Except, that is, at the theater. Where every other outlet is rockin’ horror titles, the theater is plagued with just a small handful of horror flicks, and as we get closer the big day, there’s only two you can count on: a new PARANORMAL ACTIVITY or a new SAW. Is this really the best Hollywood can do to get into the Halloween spirit???

No better way to get into the Halloween spirit than this!

Hollywood’s motto over the last century is money talks and bullshit walks, or in the case of horror flicks, money talks… so duplicate a franchise, cash in on what worked, but don’t begin to show it any love or spend too much time or effort on it. SAW did gangbusters during the Halloween season of 2004, and in true Hollywood fashion, we’ve had a new SAW movie every Halloween ever since. “If it’s Halloween, it must be SAW!” is the best f*cking tagline Lionsgate could come up with (really???), and what sucks even more about that is… it’s true. So instead of pushing for new content or giving horror fans another franchise to sink their teeth into around Halloween, each year we’re force-fed another f*cking SAW movie because it dominates the box office and no other franchise has the balls to touch the holiday with a ten-foot pole.

What, another f*cking SAW movie??? Noooooooo!!!!

Until, that is, last year when another little indie flick made a f*ckton of money and dethroned SAW 6 from its Halloween top-spot. So of course here we are a year later with PARANORMAL ACITIVTY 2 just in time for Halloween, hitting a week before SAW 3D slices its way into theaters. Both films will likely make a boatloads of money, thus guaranteeing their spot as the go-to horror flicks for the Halloween 2011 season. Horror flicks that make a ton of money is a good thing, and for that I can’t deny my respect for both franchises, but are these films the best Hollywood can come up with for the greatest horror-filled time of the year? I mean, Jesus, we’re talkin’ about Halloween for f*ck’s sake, we should be getting the crème de la crème of horror films, not a battle of the carbon copied sequels!

A nice change of pace, but did we really need another one?

SAW’s (and now PARANORMAL ACITIVITY’s) grip on the Halloween release date can be seen no further than the last two HALLOWEEN movies, both of which were released in August(!!!). Wouldn’t it have made more sense to release both of those films around Halloween??? Yes, it would have, but since everyone is so damned scared of SAW, we never had the chance to see Michael Myers slice and dice this way through the most haunted night of the year and guess what—at this point, we probably never will. I mean, releasing a HALLOWEEN movie around Halloween… that’s just crazy, righ? Instead, we got f*cking SAW 5…

Nothing says Halloween like… August? Is this a f*cking joke?

Maybe it’s just the booze talkin’, but I can’t wait for a Halloween season that doesn’t have a SAW or a PARANORMAL ACTIVITY movie, but rather a healthy mix of horror films, horror films that may scare or surprise moviegoers and not just a copy of the same ol’ thing that we see every year. Throw in a new Michael Myers movie, give us a scary vampire movie, dish out a haunted house movie or even a werewolf movie if that helps, but give us some variety! Something new! Something different! Hell, even a horror movie set on or about Halloween would be tight! The reason why the SAW franchise has done so well is not because they’re good movies, but because they’re the only f*cking horror movies released on (or around) Halloween. Release something else around the same time, it’ll make a assload of money too. My only hope is that this year will be the final SAW (as promised), and that while PARANORMAL ACITIVITY 2 will no-doubt be successful, it either waits a year or two until its sequel, or it gives another time of year a chance. Though I’m afraid I can already hear it now… “If it’s Halloween, it must be PARANORMAL ACTIVITY” and that, my friends, is reason for just about anybody to start drinking.

Here’s a crazy idea: release a Halloween-themed movie on Halloween already!