IT’S THE BOOZE TALKIN’: Where’s the definitive Christmas horror flick?

Last Updated on August 5, 2021

Ah, it’s Christmas time: lights, trees presents, stockings, Santa, reindeer, snowmen, and… booze. Lots and lots of booze to get any cold-blooded human a taste of the holiday spirit. But if you need more than booze to really get into the season, there are always Christmas movies. Flicks like DIE HARD, LETHAL WEAPON, and COBRA always get me in the holiday mood, as well as SILENT NIGHT DEADLY NIGHT, JACK FROST, and BLACK CHRISTMAS (the original). But as I look back on my favorite holiday flicks, I can’t help but think how absurd it is that they’re all from the ‘80s and early ‘90s and not a single one from the last decade. What the eff? Then I got to thinking, then to drinking, then to stumbling around looking for the john. But instead of pissing all over the Christmas tree, I had an epiphany: why don’t we have a definitive horror-themed Christmas movie to help us get through the holiday season?

A true Holiday classic.

I’m not taking anything away from the beloved BLACK CHRISTMAS or any of the other films I mentioned above, I just think it’s a effin’ shame that there hasn’t been a good modern day Christmas horror flick in years and that ain’t right. BLACK CHRISTMAS (remake) doesn’t count, nor does SANTA’S SLAY or THE GINGERDEAD MAN—not because they’re not Christmas horror movies (they are), they just suck donkeyballs. And while THE CHILDREN was a great film set at Christmas time (as well as ORPHAN, come to think of it), it doesn’t really count as a true and blue horror Christmas movie.

If you thought this was scary, you should see the Michael Keaton version. Yikes!

No, I’m talking about a definitive Christmas horror flick. I’m talking about something like a demonic Christmas spirit that haunts people on Christmas Eve, I’m talking about killer reindeer on a rampage or demonic little elves who’ve escaped the North Pole and are taking out their revenge on a small little town in Alaska. I’m talking about a movie where a normal guy is driven (slowly) insane because of all of the Xmas TV commercials and the financial burden of making sure everyone around him has a wonderful Christmas that, by the time the big day comes, he snaps and goes absolutely apeshit. You know, take all the times we love and hate about Christmas and put a blood-good horror spin on it.

…from the director of A CHRISTMAS STORY. Nice!

It seems like every major holiday has their definitive horror flick except for the biggest holiday around. Between LEPRECHAUN and MY BLOODY VALENTINE or HALLOWEEN and TRICK ‘R TREAT, the other holidays have been hit (except Thanksgiving, but we’re waiting for Eli Roth to come through on that one), but Christmas? I guess the ‘80s just hated Christmas a little more than we do now, which is a damn shame, really. Speaking of TRICK ‘R TREAT, that’s really what the holiday needs: someone to take all the legends and background of Christmas, throw it into a few revolving stories that are somehow sorta related but not really, and then throw in a murderous Santa or Elf in the mix and call it a day. Call it MERRY CHRISTMAS. Just thinking about that put a smile on my face.

SANTA’S SLAY was a sorry attempt at creating a new Holiday horror classic.

And why haven’t they re-imagined a classic like A CHRISTMAS CAROL into a full-fledged horror flick? Seriously, that’s a straight-up ghost story to begin with, and it wouldn’t take too much to make it absolutely frightening, making the ghosts of Christmas past, present, and future the scariest motorscooters you’ve ever seen, make Scrooge a sadistic serial killer (maybe like Jigsaw?), and the Crotchet family his next victims, with the ghosts showing him the horror his actions will have on the community. At the end, of course, Scrooge doesn’t give a f*ck and kills ‘em anyway, forcing the ghosts to rip his eternal soul a new butthole and drag his crazy ass back to hell. The end.

It doesn’t get much better than TREEVENGE!

It’s not that I don’t like Christmas—I do—but I also like a good ol’ fashion horror flick on Christmas and we haven’t seen one (of merit) in a long time. And that’s a damn shame. If you’re like me and you’re craving for a new Christmas flick, you can always check out the short flick TREEVENGE (check it out below), from the director of HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN, about what happens when Christmas trees get their revenge on all the people who slaughter trees on Christmas. It’s fantastic… but it’s only a short and not a full-all feature film. To see something like TREEVENGE get the big-screen treatment would be the greatest gift of all.

Nothing says Christmas like John f*ckin’ McClane!

Maybe it’s the booze-soaked Eggnog talkin’, but I think it’s time a definitive Christmas-themed horror movie gets its spotlight in theaters. There’s a handful of good ones out there already (see the flick’s mentioned above), but nothing in the last decade or so. Give us a truly scary Christmas flick (or at least a fun one full of gore and violence), and we’ll make it our very own Holiday classic to watch and re-watch for years to come.

Merry Christmas! Enjoy TREEVENGE!