HORROR TEN SPOT: Top 10 Cool Water Monsters

August 13th 2010, 2:24pm

Last Updated on August 3, 2021

Not much pretense to this week’s list. It’s summer time and PIRAHNA 3-D is getting ready to hit screens, so we’re going to take a look at some of the most awesome water monsters that have ever tried to take a bite out of moviegoers.
Now this is the type of list where #1 is most likely obvious, especially since I’m writing it while hanging around the beaches of Cape Cod, but that doesn’t mean we can’t all hopefully enjoy the journey to get there.
So grab some sunscreen and jump into the water with us, and spit bullets if your favorite aquatic beast isn’t given its props.

1. JAWS

No surprise here I guess, but that’s because in the words of Carly Simon, “Nobody does it better.” If your view of being in the water hasn’t been messed with by Bruce then you haven’t seen the film. There’s not a single creature in the history of film that single-handedly made 3/4’s of the earth’s surface seem terrifying. Since then we’ve had lots of cool sharks in film, but nothing that comes close to the original.

2. DEEP RISING

To me these water loving f*cker uppers are my favorite wet killers other than the impending brute at #1. Looking like the lovechild of Graboids from TREMORS and the new vamps in BLADE II, it’s hard not to get chills with the terrified ambiance that’s used to introduce these nasties. It’s quite a while til we see them, and that can work against the filmmaker when the madness becomes visible. Not in this case however as you get a balls out creature design that earns its keep and then some.

3. THE HOST

I can’t say I was as knocked out by the movie as a whole as many of my horror loving compatriots, but one thing THE HOST gave us in spades was a kick ass monster that managed to be unique, aggressive, scary, and as much of a dangerous switch hitter as our croc friend from LAKE PLACID. This bastard meant business and brought the hammer down hard and often.

4. 20,000 LEAGUES UNDER THE SEA

If you had asked me to describe the trailer for this flick when I saw it as a lad I probably would have answered, “Men get eaten by a giant squid.” That is all that mattered in the movie to me. Not submarines or undersea domiciles, not even tales, no matter how whale-like. Just men fighting a giant squid. Come to think of it, not much concerning my opinion of the flick has changed to this day. That badass beast may have had only minutes of screen time, but this squid proves there are no small parts, just small actors.

5. CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON

This was the first time that my young brain became aware of the amazing possibilities when you mix an aquamonster and women in bathing suits. There’s something so damn hot and vulnerable about the whole scenario. Plus, as awkward as the Gillman may seem today, it still works to create some decent scares even for a modern audience upon initial viewing. Pretty powerful mojo right there.

6. ORCA: THE KILLER WHALE

One of my favorite things about this flick is that the title repeats itself, since orca means killer whale. So the title is basically Killer Whale: The Killer Whale. Personal amusements aside, how can you not love a flick that features Dumbledore being hunted down by a pissed off sea mammal. If nothing else the movie deserves credit for taking an animal that is not known to hunt humans in the wild and turn it into a Bronson-style revenge seeking people eater.

7. LAKE PLACID

This may stir up some debate because I could not populate this entire list with crocs and alligators from the wide array of awesome movies they’ve shown up in. Things like ALLIGATOR, PRIMEVAL, ROGUE, DINOCROC, and so on. Personally I think LP does these beasties the best, with a strong cast, sharp writing, and generous helpings of that angry croc. What makes these suckers particularly intimidating is that they are a dual threat. Land, water, take your pick. They will find you, they will get you, and you will die.

8. HUMANOIDS FROM THE DEEP

Do I really need to say more than horny murderous mutated fish to sell you on this one? No surprise producer Roger Corman brought us this bad boy. It’s a non-stop cheesefest of the silliest possible bloodshed and sexual assault you can imagine. If you prefer not to imagine those things, then do not watch this movie. For reals yo.

9. PIRANHA

I couldn’t find a pic from the original PIRANHA that I really liked, so I went with a pic of Kelly Brook and Riley Steele in the remake instead. I figured ya’ll would forgive me for the technical inaccuracy. But anyway, on to the film which, uh, dammit now I’m distracted. To sum up, tongue in cheek JAWS rip off with plenty of fun and mayhem. Any species that has a rate of consumption measured by speed of cow destruction is aces in my book.

10. DEEP STAR SIX

I honestly wanted to use LEVIATHAN here, because of these two similarly released pics, it was the better film. But the fit wasn’t quite right, so DSS gets the nod. I am a fan of the creature which seems to be the love child of a xenomorph and TMNT’s Shredder. Also, his presence seems to require that nearby females wear thin white T’s. Nothing wrong with that.