Last Updated on October 7, 2022
Now this list is in order of outright hotness, not necessarily series importance, although that would be a fun one to do too.
Really want to hear back from ya’ll on this one, so make sure you spit bullets, with links if you like, on who your favorite NOES series hotties are. Now sit back, relax, and enjoy some delicious ladies.
1. MONICA KEENA, FvJ
Do I really need to say anything here other than “you’re welcome”? Women like Keena shouldn’t exist in the natural world. But since she does let’s just try to pick our collective jaw off the floor, wipe the drool from our chin and give a hearty salute to a woman that shows what a woman can be. Y’know how Wayne felt about Tia Carrere? That’s how I feel about Monica Keena. Baberaham Lincoln indeed.
2. STACEY ALDEN, NOES 3
Wow! Stacey Alden showed up for maybe a total of 3 minutes of screen time, and changed my life. Thinking back on my development it was largely her, and Andromeda from CLASH OF THE TITANS that turned me into an ass man. I hardly even notice tits because of these two ladies. Not that Alden’s lady lumps aren’t spectacular too. They are. And her face. And her legs. Um, just keep reading. I’ll be back with you in a moment.
3. HEATHER LANGENKAMP, NOES
I know that Heather is more of a cutie than a hottie, and I know in the intro I said this would be strictly about relative attractiveness and not about series import, but c’mon, it’s f*cking Nancy. Besides, who didn’t have at least a few late night fantasies involving a tub and a glove because of her. So if you want to argue this is too high on the list for her go ahead. I’m sticking with my choice.
4. KATIE CASSIDY, NOES remake
Damn, I say damn! Unlike many, I’m not sold on the remake, because I’ve seen too many of these things that used slick trailers and well chosen clips to make me believe, and then just end up disappointing me, but Ms. Cassidy certainly presents a strong reason to check the thing out. Does she drop trou in it? Probably not, but one can certainly dream. Well, unless you live in Springwood in which case it’s probably a bad idea.
5. PATRICIA ARQUETTE, NOES 3
Arquette has always seemed a bit dopey to really turn me on, but there’s no denying the woman is hot and packs a lethal body. She also has the honor of being the key figure in what I’d say is either the best, or second best sequel in the franchise. My only complaint is that I wish a certain nurse has paid Patricia a visit at some point in the film. Oh well.
6. KATHARINE ISABELLE, FvJ
Sure GINGER SNAPS was a better movie, but Kat gets naked in this one. Another plus is the state she finds her a$$hole boyfriend in after her post-sex shower. Sure Jason is doing the dirty work at this point in the movie, but when she dies it’s with a raver trying to rape her, Freddy trying to dream kill her, and Jason stalking her in the real world. It’s a total horror triple penetration. What a way to go, and what a woman to be able to handle it!
7. ERIKA ANDERSON, NOES 4
The biggest shame about this rocking brunettes career is that the film she gets aggressively naked in stars Nicolas Cage and Judge Reinhold. Still, she gave us a nice turn in NOES 5 as supermodel wannabe Greta in a role that got offed in a very SE7EN-ish sorta way. From then on she took on roles that allowed her to get nude enough to satisfy fans a great deal, so let’s all give a big thanks!
8. CHRISTIE CLARK, NOES 2
Since Clark is better known for her role on a soap opera than for what she did in the fairly weak first sequel to NOES, it should be no surprise that she doesn’t make a giant impression as far as the film goes. But as far as hotness goes? Well that’s another matter entirely.
9. KIM MYERS, NOES 2
Before the internet made porn as easy to get as a handjob from a congressman, we had to work for our spank material by stealing Club’s and Penthouse’s from the 7-11 and rewatching 15 seconds of poolhouse makeout action before Freddy’s damn tongue got in the way. In fact, that scene had such a lasting impact that Kim Myers is one of only a handful of redheads that I’ve ever found attractive.
10. TUESDAY KNIGHT, NOES 4
Nothing like a good day of the week named chick to get the blood flowing. Taking over the role of Kristen for Patricia Arquette, Tuesday does a great job of getting her friends and herself killed, all while wearing clothes that are much too baggy. But she is a hot little blonde so forgiveness is granted.
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