Last Updated on August 3, 2021
That said, this is not the first time that fangers have been made out to look like tortured teenagers and lovestruck morons. The whole vampire mythos is highly sexualized, so when it goes wrong the whole shebang can turn into little more than a cheap drag show.
TWILIGHT is by far the worst offender, and you’ll find no surprises at who takes number one on this list, but there are plenty of other blood suckers who coulda used a shot of testosterone to make their exploits a little less like the fantasies of a teenage girl.
As always, spit bullets if I missed your fav, or just take some time to muse on what makes for an awesome vamp to counteract the glitter ball coming our way this week.
1. EDWARD CULLEN, Twilight
You knew this was coming, because it’s obvious. The glitter, the hair, the stares, the teen angst and forbidden romance. The endless wanting and all the mumbly intensity. It’s just a grand clusterf*ck that takes all conventions of the genre and tries to make them rainbows. If Edward is what our teenage girls want these days then I fear for the survival of our species. ‘Cause without balls, we can’t procreate.
2. LESTAT DE LIONCOURT, Queen Of The Damned
How did Lestat turn into a bisexual club kid? This movie in general more or less pisses all over vampire fans. In fact, if it weren’t for a recent and notable exception I’d probably nominate it for worst vampire movie of all time. But in particular we’re stuck slogging through the morass of gloomy, depressed, goth-vamps with a Lestat who seems to have had his fangs removed. Truly this flick seems to have traded in “God kills indiscriminately, and so shall we,” for “Dear God why must my eyeliner run so?” Pathetic.
3. KRAVEN, Underworld
You’d think that fangs would make pursed lips hard to pull off, but Kraven commits to the Eurotrash look with every fiber of his being. That’s probably why he’s consistently getting out-witted, manipulated, and just plain pwned by everybody he encounters. One of the most annoying bloodsuckers ever filmed.
4. QUINN, Blade
Quinn tries so hard to mix it up, and is so damn bad at it. It’s almost a joke by the time the final confrontation comes around that he hasn’t already been killed by either Blade, or his own people. The dude literally can’t do anything right. My five year old son fights better than this guy. About the only thing he’s useful for is a first kill for fledgling vampire hunters.
5. EVIL ED, Fright Night
Ed may not come across as the most serious threat ever, but what really makes him a p*ssy in my book is the fact that he all but rolls over on a friend. That’s just wrong. I can tolerate somebody being an undead wuss, but an unloyal undead friend? F*ck that.
6. LOUIS DE POINTE DU LAC, Interview With The Vampire
Once again we’ve got a reluctant recruit to the creatures of the night, but in this case he’s actually out classed in the intimidation department by a Scientologist and a pre-teen Kirsten Dunst. That’s pretty weak sauce my friends. Hell, even our human interviewer has to act pretty hard to seem believably intimidated. Not particularly impressive.
7. AMILYN, Buffy The Vampire Slayer
I’ll grant you that the casting here was clearly for comedic effect, so the general lack of menace is understandable. Plus, you put anyone next to Rutger Hauer and they’re going to look a bit less manly. Especially an at the time victim of a recent sex scandal. This is actually a case where a fangers ridiculousness worked in his favor because the death scene he’s got is probably the most famous thing about the movie.
8. MARKO, The Lost Boys
How did Bill S. Preston, Esq. end up as a lost boy? You’ve got a legit crew of juvenile delinquents with fangs, led by a very pissed off young Jack Bauer, and then toss the vamp equivalent of a marionette into the bunch. He honestly comes off more like a mascot or a pet. He’s never intimidating in the least until he gets staked, and let’s be honest, that’s a little late.
9. CALEB COLTON, Near Dark
Caleb is one of many who are turned into a vampire and then decide that maybe it’s not such a great thing to be. So while this is a great movie and Caleb is faced with an interesting choice, we can’t ignore the fact that he spends a lot of time cowering and feeding off his waif-like girlfriend’s wrist. I’d also have more sympathy for him if he hadn’t all but forced himself on Mae in the cab of his truck. So he’s willing to flirt with being a sexual predator, he just won’t take the hunt all the way.
10. DRACULA, Bram Stoker’s Dracula
FFC tackled the most famous vamp of all and sort of made a Harlequin romance figure out of the whole thing. It’s not that it wasn’t fun to watch, because it was, but good ole Dracula was little more than a lovestruck sap is this telling. When he wasn’t prancing about looking like an oh so proper English gent, he’s rocking what looks like cancer of the head as styled by Princess Leia. Not exactly bad ass.
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