HORROR TEN SPOT: Why the NOES Remake is a Failure

Last Updated on August 3, 2021

So the NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET remake has finally hit theaters, and the overall reaction has been that it’s anywhere from a complete disaster to a generally OK but unnecessary movie. But make no mistake, no matter what you thought while watching it, this travesty is a complete celluloid failure from start to finish.

Does that mean that nothing in the movie works, or that Jackie Earle Haley is awful as Freddy? No. It just means that the mere existence of the film is a failure. Think that’s too harsh? Well read on and then spit those bullets if you still think so at the end. But do this for me. Try to imagine what your reaction to an NOES remake would be if you hadn’t been bludgeoned into submission by years of endless remakes that have shown less and less good judgment.

And understand from the outset that I do not consider the fact that remakes are inevitable right now to be sufficient reason to support them. Now, let’s get this done.

1. FREDDY

Jackie Earle Haley is great. I love the guy. But he has no business in this role because the role belongs to Robert Englund. Back in the day John Lithgow was up for the role of Hannibal Lecter, and would have been an interesting choice for the role, but who the hell would want to see that now. It just wouldn’t work. JEH gives his all as fans should expect, but he’s not Freddy, and no amount of pretending will make it so. The worst part is that Englund won’t get a chance to play the role again because of it, so ironically the remake really has finally killed off Freddy Krueger.

2. IT MADE MONEY

It may seem counterintuitive to say that making money indicates failure, but it does. A failure of common sense, because movie goers keep falling for the same rope-a-dope. Hear about a remake, get mad, then get dazzled with either interesting casting or a few cool clips and then decide to go see the film. And it’s no good. Everytime it’s no good. And until we stop spending our money on this con, we’re just gonna get more of the same.

3. OK IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH

A lot of people are giving the remake credit for being decent. For the most part critics have fallen somewhere between “it sucks” and “it’s OK”. But OK is not a good enough reason to remake a movie. If you take an amazing original idea and film, then remake it, of course the result is going to be at least OK, because you are pulling from amazing material. But it’s stupid to do so just because. If you have nothing interesting, exciting, or new to add, then leave that bitch alone!

4. TOO SIMILAR TO THE ORIGINAL

Gus Van Sant said the reason he did the shot for shot remake of PSYCHO was so that no one would ever try it again. Sadly he forgot what town he works in. Not that the new NOES is the same deal, but it’s too damn close to the original to have any reason to exist. The whole thing plays out like a big budget YouTube fan video. But nobody on YouTube asks us to pay to see their stuff. They realize that serving up a pale imitation of an outstanding original, while potentially entertaining, is not worth paying for.

5. IT’S STILL A VIABLE FRANCHISE

NEW NIGHTMARE and FvJ were both successful continuations of the franchise. Englund is obviously game to keep doing the role, and there are plenty of ways to have some fun with character. But all that is dead now, because they’ve decided to run the remake train, which means the original franchise will see no more entries. And that’s a damn shame.

6. REMAKES ARE A GIMMICK

Roger Ebert recently called out 3-D as a gimmick, and pointed out that when Hollywood feels threatened it tends to turn to that type of splash to generate business. Well guess what. Remakes are the same kind of bs. It’s a simple case of trafficking in curiosity. People hate it when their favorite flick gets remade, but then they want to see what was done with it. Remakes have a longer shelf life than most gimmicks because there are so many different styles coming out, but the Platinum Dunes style approach is little more than a high class Asylum flick. Expensive sure, but still nothing but a bunch of whores. And you can’t build a relationship with a whore.

7. UNRELENTING BOO SCARES

Enough goddammit! Boo scares are the exact opposite of that. Especially when they are used excessively. I don’t know if people think that kids now don’t have the attention span to pay attention as real scares are built, or that constant jolts to the system are what horror requires, but it doesn’t work. Anyone who has seen more than a handful of horror movies in their life will anticipate every damn surprise they’ve got cooked up, and will have a worse experience with the film because of it.

8. THE CAST

I don’t have a problem that the cast is all WB ready hotties. That’s just a reality of the industry right now. I have a problem with the fact that no one seems able to populate a film with pretty people who can also act. This kind of casting is like having a dude in a porno with a big c*ck who can’t get hard. Useless. And on top of that the film doesn’t even know which chick it wants in the lead. Just a mess overall.

9. THE DREAMS

As the series went on, we all got used to the concept that if a character even had a longer than usual blink then they were asleep and it was game on. But in the earlier entries there was a real style to how the fact we were in the dream realm got slowly telegraphed before things got bloody and batshite insane. But in the remake they might as well have Burma Shave signs telling us it’s a dream for all the surprise they manage. It’s pitifully obvious everytime and takes away one of the pleasures of the best films of the series.

10. THE CGI

This is always an issue in films, and I’m sure that the NOES remakers felt like because much of the movie takes place in dreams then it’s OK for the CGI to look unrealistic because dreams aren’t realism. I call bullsh*t! Anyone who’s even seen the trailer for this has seen the proof. Namely how awful it looks when Freddy’s face pushes out of the wall vs. the original. CGI vs. a sheet. Practical wins hands down, and choosing cheap technology over what looks best is exactly the kind of lack of judgment that infuses this whole movie.