IT’S THE BOOZE TALKIN’: All I want for X-Mas are original horror movies!

Last Updated on August 5, 2021

I love the holidays. Sitting in front of my Yuletide Log DVD roaring on my TV, drinking Brandy-spiked Egg Nog, and thinking of all the glorious Blu-rays I may have waiting for me wrapped under the tree. Most years I’m not a picky person and I generally don’t ask for a lot, but this year… well, there’s more Brandy in this drink than Nog, and I’m right on the edge of being 100% blitzed. So not only am I asking for something this year, but I’m taking it all the way to the top: I’m taking it to Santa. Because all I really want for X-Mas this year are original horror movies and only Santa (and the money-grubbing studio execs) can make such a grand request happen.

I’m not going to sit here and say that all remakes suck (cause many of them don’t), or that all sequels are stupid (cause many of them aren’t), or that I know a thing or two about what it takes to get a movie made these days (cause I don’t know shit). But I do know that I’m getting really sick and tired of all the remake, reboot, prequel, sequel, vampire (yes, f*ckin’ vampires) bullshit that comes out each and every month and all I’d like to see sometime soon (hell, I’ll even shoot for 2013 if that’s what it takes) are a bunch of original horror flicks hitting theaters, scaring the pants off people everywhere, and converting a new generation to the genre.

Not even Santa’s magical powers can stop a sequel from being made, especially if it’s something like PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 4, but do we really need so many of them? This year we have another UNDERWORLD coming and another RESIDENT EVIL, and all I can really ask is why? Do we really need another entry in either of these series? Kate Beckinsale and Milla Jovovich are hot, yes, but another dark and dreary one-against-many horror flick that relies too much on their visual effects than they do anything else? No. Of course not. Because they’re both going to be the same as all the other film’s before it, and goddamnit, who wants to see those again. Even fans of the series have to be a little jaded by now.

Then there’s the remake/reboot, a phenomena that will never go out of style, but should definitely chill the f*ck out for a while, or at least be a little pickier in its selection. THE THING? FRIGHT NIGHT? THE EVIL DEAD? AMERICAN PSYCHO? Really??? Honestly, it’s not that I have an issue with remakes as much as I have an issue of remaking the classics, as if they could do a better job. They can’t. They never will. Remakes should be better than the original, so why not remake the shitty horror movies that could have been awesome? How about that? When will they learn that Zack Snyder’s DAWN OF THE DEAD was the exception and not the rule? What needs to happen is everyone should jump on the old Troma films like Darren Lynn Bousman did with MOTHER’S DAY, and remake those shitty movies into something awesome. Then maybe the sequel train would have more support from the community than they do right now.

Finally, vampires. At this point, f*ck vampires. Seriously, vampires are not original, will never be original, and now with the TWILIGHT SAGA craze, every vampire flick nowadays is trying to cash in on petty romances and love triangles of the those vampires and that shit needs to stop right now. Even Dario Argento, one of the great horror directors from the 70s and 80s jumped on the vampire train with his take on DRACULA, and if you’ve seen the trailer (HERE) you’ll see what the results of that labor was. Utter and complete garbage. Would it be just as shitty if he took on something original? Have you seen SUSPIRIA? Or PHENOMENA? Both original, both Argento, both f*cking awesome. Nuff said.

I want Santa to bring me something I haven’t seen before. I want to see new takes on classic horror themes, like a new take on the haunted house movie, or a new take on the slasher movie, or a new take on the possession movie. I know there are hundreds—if not thousands—of new and original scripts out there for horror movies and every time a movie like FRIGHT NIGHT gets green lit, those movies don’t get made. More chance needs to be taken on the original scripts out there because, given their quality scripts, the original horror flick will pull the audience and make the money… but only if they’re made and available for people to see them. And while the straight to DVD market is thriving, even those movies (the ones that never see the theater) are basically knock-offs of other movies, and most don’t offer anything new or original at all.

Maybe it’s the booze talkin’, but all I want for X-Mas this year are original horror movies to sink my drunken teeth into. Forget about the sequels, forget about the remakes, reboots, premakes, or whatever the hell they’re calling them these days, forget about vampires and TWILIGH knockoffs, and give us something new, for f*ck’s sake. I’m not talking about instant gratification here either, just the promise of new shit for the 2012 / 2013 season and I’d be one satisfied customer. Come on Santa, you know you want to make good on a simple request from this drunken horror-lovin’ buffoon, right??? Sure ya do! And while we’re at it, Merry effin’ X-Mas! Here’s to more booze-induced rants and raves in 2012!