HORROR TEN SPOT: Top 10 Naughty vs. Nice

December 26th 2008, 8:16pm

Last Updated on August 3, 2021

Happy Holidays everybody. One of the classic set-ups in horror is to pit the innocent against the not so innocent. And since ‘ole St. Nick likes to do the whole good list/bad list thing I thought we’d help him out in a small way, and take a look at some of horrors greatest smackdowns between naughty and nice.

Of course sometimes the categories are relative, so if you have your own noms, or just disagree with how I classify these battles, make sure to spit bullets below.

But most importantly, have a great trek into the new year. And as always, be safe if you can’t be good!

WARNING – POSSIBLE SPOILERS (IF YOU’VE NEVER SEEN A HORROR FILM) AHEAD!

1. Carol Anne Freeling vs. Poltergeist; POLTERGEIST

Real life happenings aside, the image of those blonde tresses in front of a static-y TV remain some of the most powerful in genre history. And as the movie goes on, we’d certainly care about the fate of all the Freelings, but you have to admit that seeing little Carol Anne get kidnapped is a classic are you f*cking kidding me moment.

2. Lynn Peltzer vs. Gremlins; GREMLINS

F*ck me! I got home from work the other night and my wife was watching GREMLINS on AMC. So that makes me feel old. But it also makes me realize that the kitchen scene in the flick is one of the best fun moments in horror history. And it all ends with the famous nuking of a G-man. If you don’t love this part of the movie than you and me got nothing, and I mean nothing, to talk about.

3. Monster Squad vs. Dracula’s Crew; THE MONSTER SQUAD

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. PG-13 has been used in a reasonable way about three times in the history of Hollywood, and this monster mash is one of them. Pit a bunch of inexperienced kids against the entire Universal catalog, and you’ve got one nasty fight in the making. The best thing? Even though the kids act like kids, they do not act like idiots.

4. Regan MacNeil vs. The Devil; THE EXORCIST

“Your mother sucks cocks in hell” spewing out of that innocent little face. Tragic and awesome all at the same time. At this point in the series we’ve thankfully never heard of Pazuzu, or any of the silly ponderings that Part II brought our way. It’s just a little girl in a room possessed by the Devil, hoping a couple of priests can help her. And you know what? They do.

5. Laurie Strode vs. Michael Myers; H2O

I was going to go with the original HALLOWEEN, of course, for this match up, but the more I thought about it the more I realized that the Strode sibling relationship is much deeper and interesting in H2O than in either of the first two. It feels like both players have a full sense of what’s at stake in H2O. And that makes for good times.

6. Nancy Thompson vs. Freddy Krueger; A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET

I’ll never forget Nancy burning herself on a steam pipe to escape that first dream she had where Freddy was stalking her. Not only is Fred a particularly disgusting antagonist, but something about those bushy eyebrows Nancy’s rocking really sell how sweet of a girl she really is. Stop trying to french the lass over the phone Mr. Krueger.

7. Clarice Starling vs. Hannibal Lecter; SILENCE OF THE LAMBS

Is there anything creepier in film history than the sound of Anthony Hopkins asking if the lambs have stopped screaming? I’m not sure, but it’s definitely Top 5. On top of that we’ve got one of the best examples of how to build a villain that we care about, and a relationship based on what feels like reality rather than story beats. Good stuff no doubt!

8. Shaun vs. The Dead (and Queen); SHAUN OF THE DEAD

Pitch perfect and f*cking hysterical, it’s hard to imagine a better humorous zombie throwdown that actually gets the blood flowing and tension taut. The rather brilliant addition of a misbehaving jukebox spitting out some classic Queen is just icing on the cake of this awkwardly great undead rumble.

9. Town of Wheelsy, SC vs. Monster Grant; SLITHER

If you’re a horror fan and didn’t boogie to SLITHER, then quite frankly you’re probably not much of a horror fan. There’s just so much to cherish in this funny, goopy battle royale between an unlucky man named Grant Grant, and the town his sluggishness looks to take over. The whole town may not qualify as nice, but they certainly don’t deserve this!

10. Kay-Em 14 vs. Jason Voorhees; JASON X

I’ve never understood the general hatred lobbed at this entry in the F13 franchise. It’s fun, well paced and has lots of sexy to pass the time. But one of the highlights is definitely watching this recently deflowered android kick the ever living shite out of one machete wielding psychopath.