HORROR TEN SPOT: Top 10 Horror Azzholes

Last Updated on August 3, 2021

This week’s list idea comes courtesy of Eric “Walker – Texas Ranger” Walkuski. When he first queried about doing a list on the true bungholes of horror I was a little hesitant. Mostly because I was gonna have to put myself at least in the top 5. I mean hell, the list of genre luminaries I owe an apology to is as distinguished as it is depressing.

But no, he told me, a list of characters in horror movies that make you want to grab a shovel and smack ’em in the teeth is what he had in mind. Not the main villains, but the other guys. Whew! Safe for now.

So the braintrust got together and came up with a ton of nominees, and now it’s my chance to f*ck up all those great ideas and truly keep my place as a dillwad totally secure. Enjoy the list, and if you don’t see your favorite a-hole listed then spit those bullets below!

1. Carter Burke, ALIENS

Most of the folks on this list will drive you crazy, but you’re not that surprised that they’re azzholes because they just have that vibe. One look and you think, “Now that’s an azzhole.” But Carter Burke sneaks up on you. He looks just like Paul Reiser for goodness sake. But it becomes clear that charming goofiness aside, he’s a company man through and through, who is willing to sacrifice an entire crew of marines, Ripley, and a little girl to make sure that the company gets what they want. He’d have done great in Washington, so you know he’s a total…yeah.

2. Dr. Frederick Chilton, THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS

Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew. Just the name Chilton makes my skin crawl. I’ve seriously never been so happy to find out someone was about to get eaten outside of lesbian porn. This guy suffers from what my sister refers to as “Big dick, little penis” syndrome. No doubt if we got into Chilton’s backstory we’d find out that he had an absent, or abusive father and his mother was a domineering shrew. You know what, I’d rather that he became a lifelong criminal instead of this disgusting waste of space.

3. Mayor Larry Vaughn, JAWS

The template for all clueless men of semi-power, this total douche has made me want to put my first through the TV more times than any other character I can think of. He gets someone to say it could have been a boating accident. He doesn’t want the little Kintner boy spilled all over the dock. He thinks Matt Hooper just wants to get in the National Geographic. And all he cares about in the end is that nobody blames him for ignoring signs so obvious that Stevie Wonder could have read them. Sadly I’ve worked for a few people who trump Mayor Vaughn for pure shortsighted idiocy. I hate this world sometimes.

4. Mrs. Carmody, THE MIST

Surprised to see a chick on the list? Don’t be. Guys may be the most common proponents of azzholery, but Mrs. Carmody and her Armageddon driven group of enema backwash are a true smear on people who don’t suck the world over. I don’t care what iteration of god you worship, or don’t, but stay out of my f*cking face with it. I can think of fewer experiences I’d enjoy less then being trapped in a small store with a religious prostheletyzer of any stripe. Especially this one. Although I have to admit I’ve had a weird fetish for Marcia Gay Harden ever since she hugged me that one time in NY – long story.

5. Harry Cooper, NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD

Did the ironically named Harry create the stereotype of a bitter, balding, middle aged man? Of course not, but he sure ran with it. His seething rage, close to meltdown stress response, and general c*ckishness are infuriating. Plus his ultimate attempt to do Ben in is almost Shakespearian in its betrayal. It must be said, though, Harry was right about the cellar. And maybe Ben doesn’t get his nasty early morning wake up call if some white folk crawl out with him come day break.

6. Cholo, LAND OF THE DEAD

Cholo pretty much lives by the mantra ,”Get mine.” It was a toss up whether to go with him or Rhodes from Day Of The Dead, but the fact is that the C-man brings a much greater relaxed sense of selfishness to the world. Sure he could be a cool guy to hang with, and he’ll make you feel important if he needs you, but when push comes to shove he’s looking out for no one but number one. Mercenary is the nice descriptor of him, but there are plenty of fitting words that require asterisks as well.

7. Barry William Cox, I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER

It’s arguable that the real azzhole of this series was the producer who kept creating grammatically clusterf*cked titles. But we’re sticking with characters, so we’ll give the crown to the boy named Cox. Ole’ Barry is the whole reason his pals get in trouble in the first place. Sucker spills his liquor and it leads to an accident. He’s the one pushing that they ditch the body. And he knew the man wasn’t dead. That’s without getting into the fact that he gives off pissy, pouty, petulant looks that rival any Tinker Toy shaped runway model you choose.

8. William J. Johns, PITCH BLACK

Cole Hauser is just about one-of-a-kind when it comes to creating characters that you love to hate. I thought his turn as a neo-Nazi skinhead in Higher Learning perfected the art, but then he turns up the stakes as a man willing to sacrifice a tweener girl just because she happens to have gotten her “special visitor” at an inopportune time, thus allowing the creatures stalking his party to follow the scent of her menstrual blood. From a purely cold-blooded standpoint it makes sense, but if you’re willing to sacrifice a young girl’s innocence for your own sick needs that makes you a total lowlife and/or R. Kelly.

9. Brad, NIGHT OF THE CREEPS

If I say that I hate frat boys then you all know what I mean, right? I mean, frat boys like this gigantic tool. Brad would have been equally comfortable in a Revenge Of The Nerds movie with his sleazy scheming and his classist loathing of geeks. To make it even worse, he has that golden frat boy movie cliche – the super hot and cool girlfriend who really belongs with a nerd like me, er, like our hero. If you prefer a dude dead, then he’s gotta be a real azzhole.

10. Jack MacReady, SLITHER

Slither did it’s thing just about as well as any goofy, gorefest has done it in quite some time. So of course there had to be a massive d*ckhead in a position of city management. Mr. Jack MacReady fit the bill to a T with his smarmy face, greasy personality and funny as hell one-liners. The only chink in his armor of stinky butt cheesiness is that I actually had some affection for the guy. Go figure.