Last Updated on August 3, 2021
Whether you like killer Santa’s, people killing Santa, or just general mayhem and gore set to carols and such, we got your hook up right here.
So here’s hoping you and yours have a safe and happy holiday. Or at least a drunken blast with charismatic hookers. And if you have a few celebratory words to share with your fellow arrowheads, then spit those bullets.
1. Icicle kill, DIE HARD 2
Horror? No, but you can’t talk Christmas death and not get into some DIE HARD. Hell, I coulda populated the entire list with nothing but kills from the first two movies. That said, one of the best by far is John McClane’s quick thinking weapons acquisition while once again on the verge of getting his ass handed to him – dead. Now it’s time to go find some carpet and make fists with your feet!
2. Opening slaughter, SANTA’S SLAY
Anytime you get to watch Fran Drescher and Chris Kattan bite it in one scene you know it’s a good time. Make it happen at Christmas dinner with James Caan as the nonplussed pops, it gets even better. Oh, now you want to toss in Goldberg as the killer Santa? A classic is born.
3. Flesh cookies, BLACK CHRISTMAS (remake)
The remake is in no way, shape or form better than the original. But killing your mom and then cutting up her skin to make Christmas cookies is an extremely noteworthy moment of yuletide psychosis. Fortunately this flick front loads all the interesting stuff so you can pretty much get what you need from it in under a half hour.
4. Santa castration, DON’T OPEN TILL CHRISTMAS
Throwing a bit of a twist on the holiday mayhem, this flick ignores insane Santa’s and their ilk, instead giving us a serial killer who is taking out Santa’s. Very naughty indeed. Especially when he decides to relieve one Santa of the sack he holds most dear.
5. Antlers!, SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT
An obvious staple of the horror genre is nubile young folk getting sliced and diced as a result of daring to have some sex. We’ve seen it a million times. But have you seen it with antlers? Jabbing some serious hotness like Linnea Quigley up on a wall? Ya, me neither.
6. Blender/Microwave kills, GREMLINS
Picking a favorite death from Dante’s masterpiece is like trying to choose which one of my kids I love the most. It’s just not possible. But for maximum splash and quick look thrills, the duo of death by blender and death by microwave is pretty damn tough to beat.
7. Opening race kills, DEATH RACE
Knew this would be a fun list, but there isn’t a whole hell of a lot of Christmas themed mayhem to be had, so I was pleased when Walkuski reminded me that the opening race in this remake took place right around Christmas. So whether you like vehicular explosion as a manner of death, or just plain ole getting leveled by a car, this is a great way to kick off the holidays.
8. Unicorn kill, BLACK CHRISTMAS
Before Margot Kidder inspired Superman to reverse time, before she went kinda nutty and started hanging out in her neighbor’s garbage, she got to die by unicorn statue impalement. Officially the worst holiday hook up ever.
9. Bathtub kill, JACK FROST
This is such a ridiculous kill that it’s one of my favorite guilty pleasures in the genre. A pre-AMERICAN PIE Shannon Elizabeth looking very naked gets raped and then killed in a bathtub by a psychotic snowman. Let me tell ya, you’ll never look at that carrot nose the same way again.
10. Frank Stoller kill, CHRISTMAS EVIL
How many times have you wanted to kill a co-worker? Because this scene of home invasion revenge will act as some serious catharsis for ya. Even if you don’t feel the need to take care of business in a Santa suit. The overall film is more TAXI DRIVER than SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT, but when the kills hit they hit a little harder. And this one is particularly nice.
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