HORROR TEN SPOT: Top 10 C*ck/Ball Manglings

Last Updated on August 3, 2021

Valentine’s Day has come and gone, and let’s be honest, some dudes probably f*cked it up. So ladies, this list is for you to remind your fellas just what some of the hazards of dating can be, whether they’re into ladies, gents, or sheep. Why? Because if he’s got you he should treat you right.

Now I know that most of our readers know how to take care of a woman – for a lifetime, a nighttime, or by the hour – but in those cases where you fell short of your duties, well it’s time to pay up. Do better in the future so that I don’t have to resort to these sort of puke generating subjects that leave me wanting to dodge using screen caps of the nasty business described.

And hell, if ya’ll chicas want to add further venting down below, then Spit Bullets.

1. Hard Candy

I think we can all agree that pedophiles suck, especially the murderous kind. So what happens to our “hero” in this flick is justly deserved and without apology my favorite gonad “removal” of all time. That said, I’m not sure I actually watched the scene so much as peeked and cringed my way through it. Perhaps it’s Ellen Page’s decidedly non-clinical excitement and nervousness as she performs the “operation”, or it could simply be the absolute and total breakdown that Patrick Wilson suffers through as his fate is brought to bear. No matter, when it comes to tarnishing the family jewels, even if it does involve more spit than polish, this flick is without peer.

2. 2001 Maniacs

Not since Jaws chomped on 007 has a pair of braces done the kind of damage that we see in this gleeful gorefest. I mean a poor guy who’s only crime is being from the North and completely oblivious to signs of danger thinks he’s in for a high quality country BJ (and they ARE high quality…usually) but instead gets his winky forcibly removed by a metal mouth version of the Venus Flytrap. It’s just wrong. So very, very wrong.

3. Grindhouse: Planet Terror

What is it with Robert Rodriguez and ball removal. In his half of Grindhouse, his follow up to Sin City, we not only get Naveen Andrews chopping balls and taking names, but the guy is f*cking collecting the damn things. In a jar. That he carries around with him. That would be sick enough without then having the jar get broken so that tons of peeps are stepping on the balls while slipping in the ball juice. Oh yeah, it’s disgusting.

4. I Spit On Your Grave

I really hate this movie. Not because it’s exploitive, offensive, or the fact that it features non-stop rape. I just hate that it makes all of that so damn boring. I mean when you’ve got a naked chick getting gang banged in the woods the last thing I should find myself doing is stifling a yawn. The whole movie seems to fall flat, so when she pursues her vengeance I’m just not invested in it. BUT, that doesn’t change the fact that when said chica chops a dudes jimmy off in the tub it made me squirm like Hillary Clinton at an Oral Sex demo

5. Sin City

I will never get those nasty yellow balls out of my mind. Yellow Bastard, or Roark Jr. if you prefer, is one of the nastiest, most deserving victims of genital mutilation the cinematic world has ever seen, yet the sound of that knife re-de-balling the kid, the yank, and the presentation still made me want to regurgitate Jujubes all over the seat in front of me.

6. Teeth

Vagina dentata. The urban myth of a cooter sporting some pearly whites. TEETH gives us a leading lady with said affliction, which results in all sorts of mangled jean ferrets. Of course, like in HOSTEL II, we’re basically rooting for the sausage abuse because it all happens to douche bag azzholes that fully deserve their fate. For the most part. Chomp, chomp muthaf*ckers.

7. Candyman

The loping off of a mentally handicapped kid’s penis is so fundamentally cruel that this scene always leaves me feeling like I need to take a shower. It’s made even worse because the film is so damn good that you’re totally invested in what’s going on. Twisted, mean and bloody. Just what chopped off Johnnies should be.

8. The Last House On The Left

Oral castration. Ugh. No matter the deservedness of the revenge, this is just about the nastiest way that severing a blood filled pole can be done. It’s not like we don’t know how vulnerable we are when you ladies get down to business. Why do you think the slightest graze of your teeth makes us go apoplectic? Tongue? Good. Lips? Good. But PLEASE no teeth!

9. Hostel II

Love or hate this follow up to Roth’s outstanding original, there’s no denying he brought painful efficacy to the removal of a torturer’s junk. Watching our intrepid heroine turn the tables on her psycho tormentor and then feed his manhood to some eager canines is one for the bloody books no doubt. Plus, women seem to get all worked up over the scene, so if you can get your little man to respond after watching the sauce, it’s likely your lady will be willing to offer a little TLC

10. Killer Condom

It may be tough to stomach a flick where the lead gets one of his balls bitten off by a flesh-munching prophylactic early on, but this is a surprisingly entertaining flick with F/X that are notably better than you’d expect given a title that seems a little overzealous. Quick note, if you have a problem with gay subject matter (dudes, not ladies) then give this pic a pass til you get over yourself.