What If?

Movies are like a box of chocolates. You
never know what you’re going to get if you drastically change major plot points
for your own entertainment and the content of a ridiculous web article. You know
the drill, good movies made stupid through the eyes of a guy that thinks 90% of
all films would be better off with some sort of zombie involvement and a tribute
to Chris Farley, or even better, a Chris Farley zombie. That’s me. As always…

BEWARE OF SPOILERS.

WHAT IF THE DELIVERY GUY
MIXED UP THE PACKAGES AT THE END OF SE7EN?

When Somerset (Morgan Freeman) gets the Overnight Express
package near the end of the film, the tension is almost unbearable. What if the
delivery guy had a rough night though? He wakes up at 5:30, drags his ass to
work, loads up a similar looking box, and heads to the rendezvous. Inside that
box, however, is a pair of oven mitts some guy won on TV the week before. Cops
everywhere are screaming “Oven Mitts!” into their radios. Mills (Brad Pitt)
starts crying. John Doe (Kevin Spacey) is devastated. His plan for serial killer
immortality has just been f*cked up by a pair of oversized mittens. Meanwhile,
some guy across town that’s been waiting to try out his new sponge cake recipe
tears open a special delivery to find Gwyneth Paltrow’s head.

WHAT IF CARRIE WAS UBER HOT?

No offence to Sissy Spacek but if Carrie didn’t look like a bag
of smashed assholes and worked on her social skills, couldn’t all the horror and
tragedy be avoided at the end of this film? What if Carrie looked like that
chick on the right? I mean, she’s obviously still going to be Prom Queen with an
ass like that and nobody dare drop pig’s blood on her. She’d go from freaky high
school outcast to the most popular girl in the world. There’d be legendary
slumber parties where Carrie and her friends sat around in their underwear and
made fun of her psychotic mother. The cute boys at school would worry about
losing their pants the moment her telekinetic powers got a little horny. The
more I type I can’t believe I haven’t seen a movie like this yet.

WHAT IF SLOTH
REALLY LOVED CHUNK?

At the end of GOONIES, Chunk tells Sloth he’s
going to take care of him from now on and that he’s moving in with him and his
family. Is this smart? How good does Chunk really know Sloth. He first found him
chained to wall in a basement watching pirate movies and cooking shows. They go
on to hand feed each other a chocolate bar which gets Sloth very excited and
eventually leads to their first kiss on the lips. From there on Sloth follows
Chunk through hell and high water only to choose him over his own family and
proclaims his love for the boy in the scene above. If you’re Chunks parents, do
you let this guy move in? Regardless of the f*cked up face and the twitching
ear, it’s pretty safe to say Sloth is going to end up on some sort of FBI list
isn’t it?

WHAT
IF TRUMAN SIGNED UP WITH BIT TORRENT?

Security was pretty lax on the Truman Show
lot as shown in the film. Is it crazy to suggest that somehow, somewhere Truman
got his hands on a computer with internet capabilities? He’s been reading about
these peer to peer file sharing programs that offer any type of media file you
desire so he does a search. What happens when he goes to the TV section of one
of the clients and sees ‘The Truman Show Seasons 1-29’? Curiosity obviously
makes him download it and the world’s greatest case of déjà vu sets in soon
thereafter. You think he was paranoid before, watch as Truman’s mind literally
melts with each passing day in his life is played over on his laptop. Imagine
listening to the commentary track!

Director Christof: “Ah yes, Truman’s first
experience with masturbation. Such a private and truly magical moment. I’m so
glad we were there for this.”

Head explodes. Movie over.

CLICK HERE FOR WHAT IF #1

CLICK HERE FOR WHAT IF #2