C’mon Hollywood #125

… let these franchises die…part 1!
by Sturdy

It’s the summer of sequels and with that comes a plea to stop some of these franchises from continuing. For the most part, I love the originals and even some of the sequels for these movies, but some of them have gone on too long. So c’mon Hollywood, let these franchises go. (these are in alphabetical order only)

American Pie: You have to give these guys credit for realizing they were making horrible movies and then eventually hitting the straight-to-DVD market. However, that doesn’t hide the pain that was AMERICAN WEDDING. The funny thing is that they actually couldn’t get most of the “stars” to come back for three, so they kind of stopped trying. By the way, what are those guys doing now? I think Tara Reid, Natasha Lyonne and Chris Klein are giving hand-jobs for $50 behind the Burger-King.

I would still sleep with three of the four girls in this picture.

Fletch: I hate to put anything with Chevy Chase in here because I’ve been a staunch supporter of his for a long time now. The guy used to be hilarious, which is why his fall from movie stardom is that much harder to take. I’m not sure what happened, but at some point (I think it was his talk show) he lost “it”. He isn’t even rumored to be reprising this role, but that doesn’t make going forward with this a good idea. I think Kevin Smith would do a fantastic job with a FLETCH-like film, just don’t use the Fletch name. These were good films in their day and sequels to them would be a very bad idea.

Jurassic Park: Here’s another example of being out of ideas about a third of the way into the first film. Yet somehow they manage to make two more movies. So the dinosaurs found a way to survive…we got it. Don’t get me wrong, I moderately enjoyed the sequels, but attempting to stretch this into four films would be mildly embarrassing for all involved.

I said Riggs wasn’t crazy…I’m not sure about Mel.

Lethal Weapon: Sure, I love the first one, and I even got a kick out of the fourth one, but this franchise is done. I can’t stomach seeing Mel Gibson and Danny Glover udder the phrase “I’m too old for this shit” one more time. They’ve been saying that for 15 years now. Also, Riggs doesn’t seem to be crazy anymore, and that was one of the things that made the original so…original. I’m hoping that Mel and Danny realize all of this and when it comes time to make another house payment, they choose something else rather than milking this franchise a little more.

Lord of the Rings: Uh oh, this one is touchy. I can hear the Ring followers now: “How can you put Lord of the Rings on there and not Star Wars?” Well, my friends, I’m not going to get into that debate now, but do you really want a sequel/prequel to this amazing trilogy? Even with Sam Raimi thinking about doing the Hobbit, I’m still not supporting it. Let the Rings trilogy go down as the third best trilogy of all time…behind STAR WARS and GODFATHER. “Nooooooooooo!!!!”

Just let it go

Pirates of the Carribbean: Sorry Johnny, I know you love playing the bi-curious pirate, but there really wasn’t enough material here to make one movie, much less three. I’ll admit that the first one was a surprise hit to me, but the sequels were extremely disappointing. However, who can argue when every sequel makes more money than its predecessor?

And no column is complete without a gratuitous pic of the incredible Keira Knightley

Alright, there are too many franchises that need to end and I’m out of room. I’ll be back with the rest of the list tomorrow. Oh, and did anyone else notice the irony in the fact I had a sequel to an article complaining about sequels?