Last Updated on August 3, 2021
1. The Human Body – THE THING
It’s warm, it blends in with other human bodies, and it smells better than a dog. Thank God this alien landed in butt-fuck Antarctica with only a handful of dudes and blow-torches around (fuck the prequel), otherwise we would all have spider heads.
2. A Giant Hedge Maze – THE SHINING
Great for when your dad is trying to murder you. Start building one of these now, kids, because at some point in the near future, your dad is going to try to murder you. Also, buy your mom a baseball bat.
3. Mud – PREDATOR
It only lasts for a little while but Dutch gets the upper hand on one of the universe’s deadliest assassins by simply covering himself in mud. I did this once when my wife was wanting me to clean the kitchen. Apparently mud doesn’t blend well with our couch.
4. An Old Trunk – YOUNG GUNS
Billy the Kid might be borderline psychotic, but he also just happens to be one of the smartest assholes alive. This is proven by the bullet holes he places in many a head after popping out of this random discarded fire hazard.
5. A Shitter – SCHINDLER’S LIST
Come to think of it this might be one of the worst places to hide. I’ll be honest, if it comes down to getting captured by the angry German soldiers or standing tit-deep in many other people’s feces – sign me up for the camp.
6. The Ceiling – ALIENS
What do you mean “they” cut the power? Not only is good for hiding but it also allows you to sneak up on the mean military folk and drag their bodies back to the Queen Bitch so you can face fuck them and make babies.
7. Stuffed Animals – E.T.
One of the most brilliant scenes in one of my favorite films of all time. E.T. doesn’t know shit about Earth but he knows when the need for being a pimp ninja arises. I’ve recreated this scene with every one of my kids. They have no idea why drunk daddy is burying them in stuffed animals. It’s because it’s awesome Daddy drunk time.
8. The Back Seat – LET ME IN
This one works almost every time. Michael Myers used it, so you know shit is solid. I used this movie because I love this scene. Ironically, this might be the only time it didn’t work. The plan doesn’t always involve dumping acid on your face to save the identity of your little bitch vampire.
9. Under the Bed – PET SEMATARY
This happens every third horror movie but this might be the only time it ever worked. Gage pops out and slices up Herman Munster’s Achilles tendon and then feasts on his neck like a little creepy ninja. Seriously, is there any creepier kid in the history of creepy kids? No.
10. A Wardrobe – NARNIA: THE LION, THE WITCH, AND THE WARDROBE
Not only great for hiding but also great for discovering new worlds and talking lions. Your brother might turn into a little bitch and sell you out any chance he gets but still totally worth it. The fucking lion talks!
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