TEN SPOT: 10 Awesome Movie Classes

Last Updated on August 5, 2021

Before anybody gets confused here, I’m not talking about academic courses such as ‘Bangs & Booms: An Introduction to the Films of Michael Bay’. I’m talking about the actual students that made up the class. Like my grade 6 music class which was made up of retards and low-lifes that couldn’t tell the difference between a tuba and a triangle. I once fell asleep while playing the drums and chipped a girl’s tooth because I fell off my seat and landed on her face while she was trying to play the trombone. Who the fuck plays the trombone? Bitch. That class isn’t on the list. These guys are.

1. 3-B – Battle Royale

I have a bunch of friends that are teachers. When I tell them about this you can actually see a spark go off deep behind their glazed eyes. Who doesn’t want to watch kids kill each other? Some days that’s all I want to see. Every flat-brimmed baseball hat, baggy pants wearing, shit talking, phone hoarding, TWILIGHT praising, collar popping little asshole. Throw them all into the jungle and let things sort themselves out. I love this movie with a passion.

2. Thwarting Soviet Occupancy 101- Red Dawn

Were all these guys even in the same class? It’s hard to tell as the Russians start falling from the sky and kick off the most unorganized takeover in the history of the world by randomly firing machine guns at a high school in the middle of nowhere. Then Swayze plows through in his pick-up, like an uber-sexy Captain America, and starts scooping up random punks in varsity jackets. Imagine they tried remaking this movie with Asian instead of Russians? Oh…… balls.

4. Academy for Wayward Little Assholes – Lord of the Flies

I went with the remake here because I’m pretty sure they were all from the same military school (although, I refuse to really look into it). In the original I think the kids were from a bunch of different schools from all over England (again, I don’t really care. In fact, why do I even have to explain this shit at this point? Is anybody even reading this?). Whatever the case, I was Team Sawyer.

3. How Not to be a Freak and Kick a Little Ass – X-Men: First Class

Extra credit if you’re blue! I wonder at what point Xavier stopped doing all the fun montage training type classes and started making them actually sit in a classroom. Probably after he had his spine blown out and had to perform mind-rape so that chick would stop calling him. Bitter old bastard.

5. Music, Meth, and Malevolence – Class of 1984

This is more like it – Oh, Chaos, my Chaos. Even the prisons need feeder schools, yo. Do they offer scholarships for selling drugs? Probably. More importantly, did you know Michael J. Fox is in this? That’s the sound of me droppin’ knowledge on yo face. Respect. I would last 8 seconds in this high school.

6. Captain’s Guide to Carpe Diem (English) – Dead Poets Society

Great movie and all but if I was in this class, or in anything called a prep-school for that matter, I would have hung myself. Oh….. too soon? Did they just edit out all the parts where these kids get their asses handed to them in the smoking area? Do prep-schools even have tough kids or is it just a bunch of slap fights and poem battles?

7. The Sidekicks – Sky High

A recent re-visit to this film taught me it wasn’t as great as I thought it was. Out of the hands of Disney though, and into the hands of a serious director backed by any rating higher than a G and this film is gold. We can even keep Mary Elizabeth Winstead and add some side-boob. I get grumpier by the day.

8. Remedial English with The Shoop! – Summer School

I had to go to summer school between grades 6 and 7. It was the most depressing bullshit I have had to endure. My friends would stand outside and press their ass cheeks against the windows. They’d point and laugh while slamming their faces into slushies and build ramps just outside the door so I had to listen to all their outrageous stunts. Two weeks into it I threatened my Mom’s life and dropped out. If I had a teacher like Shoop though, the joke would be on them. And I wouldn’t have had to repeat grade 6. Again.

9. Calculus & Comb-Overs – Stand and Deliver

I somehow found the only picture of him wearing a hat but you have to believe me when I say that E.J. Olmos sports the worst hair in the history of cinema for this role. It’s incredible. Anyhoo, just hearing the word “calculus” makes me feel stupid. I already have this movie queued up for when my kids start asking for help with their math homework. “If Gangster La Bamba can learn it, Son, so can you. Now, leave me the fuck alone.”

10. Learning Your AC/DCs – School of Rock

I had a grade 5 teacher just like Jack Black. But instead of focussing on our freakishly good musical talents and helping us absorb life lessons through the power of song, dude was obsessed with dodgeball. 90% of our day was spent out on the court we painted just outside our classroom (seriously). It was awesome. I’m pretty sure he got fired after some little pussy had his testicle ruptured during economics.

Honorable Mention: Toddlers & Tumors – Kindergarten Cop

Isn’t it funny that I love this movie yet, if somebody like Statham or The Rock made this film today I would shit all over it without even watching? Because I can? I might even Tweet about it if it amps up the coolness factor. I just learned that I’m hypocritical douche, and learning is what today is all about, folks. And being a douche.

TEN SPOT: 10 Awesome Movie Classes

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