Robocop receives a script review that redefines negative and calls the Total Recall remake a masterpiece in comparison

SPOILERS.

I’ve never met a single person enthused for the ROBOCOP (2013) remake. I’m sure that in a world with literally billions of people there must be a select few who were excited from day one, but I’ve never met any of them. There’s also the kind of person, myself who included, who is intrigued enough by the casting (Gary Oldman, Samuel L. Jackson, Jackie Earle Hailey, Hugh Laurie, and Abbie Cornish) to at least not condemn this thing outright.

Either way, whichever opinion you may fall under, this script review by screenwriter/veteran online critic Drew McWeeny of Hitfix.com is just about as damning as it can be. And while this is just one guy’s opinion of a script, it’s a pretty vehement one. So if you want proof of what you’ve secretly suspected, or are even just curious to see one guy’s vitriol-filled opinion of the script for ROBOCOP (2013) expressed via Twitter, then read on Macduff.

“I tried to read the “Robocop” remake, but 20 pages in my nose started bleeding and I forgot my name. #nobueno #reallynobueno”

“I’ll share this one detail. In the film, when Murphy is turned into Robocop 1.0, it’s described “a high-tech version of the ’80s suit.” Then they show a focus group scene where criminals laugh at the design. “He looks like a toy from the ’80s!” So they redesign him to look “meaner” as Robocop 2.0, who passes focus group approval. So they not only make sure to include the original design, they also point out it’s dated and stupid. *facepalm*”

“Hold onto your sides for more hilarious “Robocop” details. They outsource his construction to China. #seriously”

“And we meet the ED-209s in the field in Iran, where they’re used to subdue suicide bombers. #ineedallthedrinksnow”

“Short version: this script makes my stomach hurt very, very badly.”

“Ahhh… now they just dropped Robocop 3.0 onto an Al Queda training camp to see what he does.”

““He should be programmed to incapacitate in all scenarios.” “Agreed. Let’s keep him PG-13, Dr. Norton.” No. No. No. No.”

“By page 54, they are already onto Robocop 4.0, who looks like a “cop on steroids painted metallic blue.””

“Oh, god… oh dear god… Robocop is a Transformer. He goes from “social mode” to “combat mode” and back. Full transformation.”

“I’m going to go stand in my backyard and scream at the moon for a while. My brain needs a shower.”

“Write it down. Page 55, the “Robocop” remake beat me. I’m done. I can’t hurt more than this.”

“Okay… the two “best” lines in the script. First up is at the unveiling ceremony for Robocop in Detroit, from a TV reporter covering it. “I think it’s safe to say that Alex Murphy is now part man, part machine, ALL COP!” Yes, I too remember the original poster, asshat. Second, after the traumatic first meeting with his father, Alex’s son retreats to the apartment of Lewis, Murphy’s male partner. The scene ends with the action line “David sits, catatonic, looks at the TV — MGM REMAKE TBD.””

“Good god… it just keeps topping itself. It’s like someone wrote a script scientifically fine-tuned to destroy me. Someone shows Pope, head of the OCP project, some mock-ups for Robocop action figures. “Are you kidding? I wouldn’t buy that for a dollar!” Yeah, that just happened. NOT SO FUNNY NOW, IS IT?!”

“When this thing hits theaters, people are going to call up Len Wiseman’s “Total Recall” on the phone and apologize for being so mean. “I’m sorry, ‘Total Recall.’ I had no idea how bad things could get. You’re starting to look like a masterpiece right about now.””

“I’ll say this: once the script stops all the winky-winky crap and just starts telling a story, it’s not terrible. But it’s way too late. If you can get past Robocop The Transformer, there are some interesting action beats. And I’m sure Padilla will direct the hell out of it. But overall? Ouch. Ouch. Ohpleasedon’t. Ouch. And a big side order of ouch.”

It’s going to be a long wait until August 9th, 2013.