Awfully Good: Rhinestone

August 15th 2012, 12:40am

Hey, remember that time Sylvester Stallone dressed in a sequined cowboy outfit and sang country music? Enjoy THE EXPENDABLES 2!

Rhinestone (1984)

Director: Bob Clark
Stars: Sylvester Stallone, Dolly Parton, Richard Farnsworth

A country music star makes a bet that she can turn the next person she sees in to an overnight singing sensation. Unfortunately, the next person she sees is Sylvester Stallone.

In 1984, Sylvester Stallone was on top of the world. He was still riding the success of ROCKY and its first sequels. FIRST BLOOD had just come out and introduced the world to John Rambo. So of course the natural thing for the Italian Stallion to do was trade in his beloved tough guy persona for a romantic comedy with Dolly Parton centered in the world of country-western music.

This outfit is more embarrassing than the entirety of STOP! OR MY MOM WILL SHOOT!

We’ve covered our share of Stallone movies on Awfully Good, from DEMOLITON MAN to OVER THE TOP to JUDGE DREDD. But nothing the man does will ever touch his turn in RHINESTONE. It’s truly one of the most mind boggling career moves ever made (especially considering he turned down BEVERLY HILLS COP for this), and it plays to none of the man’s strengths. There’s even more than one opportunity for him to punch someone but he lets Dolly Parton do all his fighting for him. It’s like Stallone signed on to this movie just to embarrass himself.

When Dolly said, “I wanna see you peacock, cock, cock…” this was not what Sly had in mind.

The basic set up for RHINESTONE is offensively terrible, but what do you expect from a movie that actually has the credit “Based on the song Rhinestone Cowboy.” Dolly Parton plays a successful country singer who has a contract to perform at a New York City nightclub. Unfortunately the club is owned by Jennifer Aniston’s dad from “Friends,” a sleazy lothario who makes her life hell. In a bid to free herself from indentured servitude, Parton makes a bet that she can pick any person off the street and train them to perform onstage without getting booed off. If Parton loses the bet, she has to extend her contract AND let her boss have crazy 80s sex with her. So essentially the crux of this movie is that Stallone’s untalented cab driver has to succeed as a singer if he doesn’t want to be an accomplice to Dolly Parton getting raped.

A shot from the OVER THE TOP sequel, UNDER THE BOTTOM.

Sadly for Parton, Sylvester Stallone singing is exactly what you expect it to be: Sylvester Stallone singing. It’s painful and uncomfortable to watch and at no point does the actor attempt to actually carry a tune. It always sounds like Rocky drunk at a karaoke bar. Even worse for you, the viewer, instead of just teaching him the one song he needs to perform, Parton takes Stallone home to Tennessee for a crash course in how to be a real cowboy. It makes no sense, but it is a cheap ploy to make Stallone talk with a twang, dress like Wyatt Earp-meets-Ralph Furley, walk like he has jock itch, and step in fresh cowpies. It also leads to awkward sexual tension and an unbelievable romance between the two characters. (Though Parton’s constant ridiculous cleavage might explain why Stallone signed on to this.)

Okay, maybe this movie does have a couple redeeming qualities.

Eventually RHINESTONE builds to its natural conclusion: Sylvester Stallone, wearing a sparkly tasseled cowboy outfit, riding a stolen neon-decorated horse down the streets of Manhattan in a rush to stop Dolly Parton from getting sexually assaulted. Then he gets on stage and wins over the crowd by breaking in to what can only be described as an impromptu hip hop version of “The South Will Rise Again.” This happens.

Yep.

Stallone tries to show Dolly Parton his organ and other terrible one-liners.

Stallone sings “Tutti Frutti,” “Old MacDonald Had a Farm,” “Drinkenstein” (yes, about a drunk monster) and then does something more embarrassing on stage. It’s even more amazing than it sounds.

Dolly Parton shows off as much of herself as she can in a PG movie.

At least there’s no music by Frank Stallone. Buy this movie here!

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