Last Updated on August 3, 2021
#1 – Bang a family member
Hear me out on this one. Yes, incest is frowned upon, but when you are in the Lannister family, it may be your guarantee to power. At this point, I assume Joffrey is the gross lovechild of Cersei and Jaime, but we cannot be sure. So, if you want to do the best you can to guarantee you will run the world, have a baby with your brother or sister. Come on, it’ll be fun, you just may need to kill a kid who watches you doing the nasty.
#2 – Adopt a dragon
This is pretty much a safe bet anywhere you are, but having a dragon that will defend you no matter what (or if you have a hefty supply of slaughtered meat) is the safest route to world domination. We have yet to see what they are fully capable of, but you better believe when Westeros gets ahold of these scaly bastards, the Targeryen name will rise to the top once again.
#3 – Don’t date anyone named Stark
More than any other house in Westeros, the Starks have been the most unlucky. Lannisters may always pay their debts but Starks just die like dogs. Sure, if you are willing to stick it out you may see bastard Jon Snow redeem his father someday, but for now, stay away from these dead men walking.
#4 – Unsheath your, ahem, sword
Aside from murdering and pillaging through the land, Westeros is also best known for the sheer amount of nudity. Everyone may be f*cking one another over, but they are just straight up f*cking too. Dudes, ladies, hell even supernatural beings are getting it on, so if you know what is best for you, you better pull your wang out and get busy.
#5 – Trust no one
Every single person in Westeros is a double-crossing son of a bitch. Well, except for Ned Stark and look what happened to him! It is best to assume that every person you meet is prepared to stab you in the back, so keep your knife handy and be ready to kill the court jester, whore, or squire in front of you.
#6 – Stay South
Everything in the North of Westeros is f*cked up. Whether it be the denizens of Winterfell being scattered to the winds or the inhuman White Walkers beyond the Wall, there really is no reason to be happy that Winter is Coming. Here, we think of hot cocoa and snowmen, but in Westeros they prepare for unyielding and unrelenting death. So, stick to the coastal towns and tropical climates and keep the f*ck away from anywhere with snow.
#7 – Be like Hodor
While Hodor has endured some brutal moments in his time as a stable boy from Winterfell, he has mostly been able to get by and survive by playing up his simple-minded nature. I mean, we even got to see Hodor walking around with his manhood swinging in the breeze and no one did much except laugh and say “Oh, Hodor!” So, if you want to survive in a brutal landscape, just be like Hodor and act as if you just have no effing clue.
#8 – Back the right King
When playing the Game of Thrones, you need to pick a side. With multiple families to choose from, the one you choose could be beneficial or lead to your downfall. It is worth noting that unless you decide to go with Lannister or Targeryen, you are probably constantly going to be under fire and at risk of getting brutally killed, potentially having your dead wolf’s head placed on your bloody neck stump. This isn’t the NFL, people, so if you choose the wrong team you end up dead.
#9 – Avoid the Lannisters, especially Joffrey
Families like The Lannisters exist all over the real world: rich, pompous, powerful, and mean. Nothing The Lannisters do are for the betterment of the world but rather for their own gain. With that being said, it would probably be better to stay the hell away from them in any way possible, especially that douche of a king. Joffrey is the worst kind of leader since he is, for lack of a better phrase, pure evil. Stick with the other families or outside of any house whatsoever, if you can.
#10 – Protect your extremities
A realm like Westeros is full of violence, deceit, and vengeance. It is also a place where anyone could kill you without hesitation, but the real threat is staying alive but minus some key parts of yourself. Whether it be a hand, an eye, or even a penis, you better make sure you keep yourself padded and protected if you don’t want to end up singing castrato in the local choir.
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