The Sweetest Thing

A major CT, or “tease” for short, finally comes to the realization that she just can’t keep “playing” the fellas for the rest of her life, and that she’s got to come to terms with her own “fear” of commitment (you see, it has nothing to do with her being a beeyatch, fellas…she’s been hurt before, is all). Anywho, one night, she meets the man of her dreams and the rest, as they say…is gross-out female comedy?? I guess.

Despite the fact that this film wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be, it’s still not a good movie, and certainly not worth your hard-earned bucks to see. Consider the fact that the filmmakers have peppered the final credit sequence with previous “funny” scenes from the movie itself (along with some outtakes), and you will see how much confidence they had in their own film (let’s play all of the funny bits again, so that everyone leaves the theater thinking “good” thoughts-not a chance, buster!). The bottom line with this film is that the script is weak, the story isn’t very fresh, the “funny” sequences aren’t as laugh out loud as you’d have hoped and Cameron Diaz, who I assume was expected to carry the flick, does her best impression of herself in THERE’S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY and CHARLIE’S ANGELS (keep shaking that ass, honey!), but didn’t do much for me. It’s the same old Cameron and to be honest with you…she ain’t looking as hot as she once did. What happened to the babe from THE MASK? Alas, maybe she’s not really my type (eat more burgers!), but despite the umpteen shots of her in a bra and undies, I’m afraid that I didn’t even break wood once.

It also seemed as though the film was trying to “one-up” the guy films out there, by packing it with plenty of perversion, sex talk and gross-out scenes. It’s like they’re saying, “Look guys, we can be as dumb, over-the-top and disgusting as you can!” I mean, does anyone really think that a penis in the eye is funny? (well okay…now that I read that again, it does sound funny, but in the movie, it wasn’t so much-especially since it’s a very similar scene to one in SCARY MOVIE) And poor Selma Blair, I can’t imagine her reading the screenplay for this film and saying, “I gotta do this movie!” The only things that I remember from her character is that she got banged a lot, got some naughty “man-juice” on her dress, screwed a dude in an elephant outfit and got a dick caught in her mouth (I’m seriously not kidding!). Weird. But I will give credit where credit is due and that is the few good jokes and sequences that were present in the movie. The aforementioned “man-juice on the dress” scene is pretty hilarious, the scene in which a couple of guys finally see what women “really” do in the bathroom together is to die for and the grandpa is also quite funny. I also gotta give it up to ol’ Jason Bateman (yup, that’s not a typo, people!), unrecognizable in the beard and fat, and friggin’ “on” as the older brother. Thomas Jane also comes to play, but the poor bastard is stuck in the wrong movie. I love the guy and think he’s a great actor, but he just didn’t work for this role. I never really bought the “love” thing between the two leads either, and the final scene, which I assume was supposed to be “clever” or something, was one of the least romantic comedy endings that I’ve ever seen. Hullo?!?

Now you might be thinking that I didn’t “get” this movie cause I’m a guy and all that, but I was there with three lovely ladies (yeah alright, my mum was one of them…leave me alone!), and they weren’t that impressed either. Anyway, as per usual, you don’t need to take my word for it, but my word for this film would be “subpar”. The actors were all “okay” and Diaz’s smile can light up an entire stadium, but in the end, the film is just too gross, too set up to play as a bunch of scenes thrown together to make a “plot” and too little real romance, to win me over. On a really lazy night with your girl, rent it to show her that you care about “women’s issues”, and then try to score a quickie right after. I mean, if there’s one thing that this film taught me it’s that girls apparently love the ding-dongs as much as guys! Huh?? Did that last sentence make any sense? Anyway, keep moving kids…not much to see here.

(c) 2021 Berge Garabedian