Who will Rambo fight?

As I was watching RAMBO on DVD and thoroughly enjoying a
man outrunning a nuclear explosion, I began thinking about the recent news that
Sylvester Stallone has started writing a fifth RAMBO movie. Once the dusty
old wheels in this noggin started turning I couldn’t get em to slow down.
“What would I like to see in another RAMBO movie?,” I kept asking
myself. Stallone himself told Swedish newspaper Metro that he would “take
Rambo to another genre” and “experiment a little with the
character.” Hmmmm….

So as a help to Stallone, who’s clearly sitting at home
waiting for my help, I pulled an AWESOM-O
and come up with a few ideas. And since crossover movies are all the rage
(what with Aliens fighting Predators and Jasons fighting Freddies), I’m sticking
to that theme. Who can John Rambo crossover and butt heads with?
Without further ado, my list of possible RAMBO crossover movies.

RAMBO VS. SNAKES ON A PLANE

A movie so “B” you might just choke on the camp.
But who could argue that the only person more capable of getting those motherf*cking
snakes off the m*therfucking plan than Samuel L. Jackson is John Rambo.
He’d be lopping off serpent heads right and left with that homemade machete of
his.

RAMBO VS. DUTCH

No, not Ed
O’Neill (though maybe you’re on to something…), but the Alan
“Dutch” Shaefer, the protagonist at the heart of PREDATOR. Since
the dreadlocked one is off fighting Aliens in Texas somewhere, someone had to
represent the PREDATOR franchise and God knows Danny Glover ain’t up to the
challenge. We’ve all wanted to see a Stallone/Schwarzenegger face-off
forever and what better way than to have two of their baddest ass military
characters going mano et mano?

RAMBO VS. THE LIVING DEAD

Not technically a “crossover” but I envision Rambo
stepping into the Romero zombie universe to kick some undead ass.
Crossbows, shotguns, baseball bats, daggers, you name it. Rambo would bust
out all the stops to make sure his brains weren’t dinner for some zombie
bastard.

RAMBO VS. JOHN MCCLANE

Like with Schwarzenegger, just getting Stallone on screen with
Bruce Willis would be worth the price of admission (hey, get em all together and
you’ve got yourself a Planet Hollywood). Not sure how these two would find
themselves at odds but I anticipate some type of manipulation by a sinister
European villain who pits them against each other. In the end, they’ll
come to realize they’ve been duped (duh) and join together to Yippie-kay-ya
themselves to movie history.

RAMBO VS. ROBOCOP

So far Rambo has just been fighting flesh and blood characters
but he needs an adversary that he can’t fight with just his fist and machete (I
love that machete but when you love something, set it free). A punch to
the head of RoboCop’s head could do some serious damage to a Rambo fist so he’d
have to get a little more inventive with his ways.

RAMBO VS. ROCKY

No brainer. How this hasn’t been made yet is beyond
me. Not sure if Rambo would become a boxer or Rocky would become some sort
of commando freedom fighter but either way would be box-office gold.

RAMBO VS. CHUCKY

Not the BRIDE OF CHUCKY version of Chucky but the one from the
original CHILD’S PLAY. Let’s assume that Rambo has a long-lost nephew or
something and he buys him a Chucky doll. Just imagine John Rambo in the
Telly Savalas role from that old “Twilight Zone” episode. I’d
love to see Rambo get really frustrated that he can kill hundreds of Burmese
soldiers in about five minutes but he can’t stop a doll.

RAMBO VS. THE NAZIS

This would require Rambo to travel through time, which already
makes this one of my favorite concepts. Somehow Rambo travels back in time
(Doc Brown anyone?) and does his version of Oskar Schindler. An elbow to
the throat of Goebbels. A bullet to the knee of Himmler. And Rambo
will save his worst for Hitler himself. Of course these actions would
change the entire history of the world leaving a perfect setup for a
sequel.

RAMBO VS. ARROW IN THE HEAD

While this might be one of the best, it would surely have to be the last. Because while two men would enter, only one would leave. And friend, I ain’t banking on Stallone. Because Sly? He learned it by watching you.

RUNNERS UP: RAMBO VS. DR. GIGGLES, RAMBO VS. SANTA CLAUS,
RAMBO VS. THE GOONIES, RAMBO VS. ACTION JACKSON, RAMBO VS. JEAN CLAUDE VAN-DAMME
and RAMBO VS. THE LOST BOYS.

Got any ideas yourself? Strike back below and maybe we’ll
include them in our next installment. And Stallone – send a check to Mike
Sampson (with a “p”) c/o JoBlo.com.