CON: Clone Wars

Those sneaky STAR WARS guys always seem to find a way for a panel at Comic Con. Thing is, they could put out a line of socks at this point and Hall H would still be full. This year’s treat is CLONE WARS, for both television and the big screen as well as a video game. I won’t bullshit you, there was a a handful of times I had no idea what footage I was watching and with what title it was attached. The only thing that looked different was their first presentation for a different video game called The Force Unleashed. The graphics for this game were incredible and I starting wondering why they couldn’t use this for CLONE WARS. I turned to the Obi-Wan beside me but couldn’t get her attention. I enjoy STAR WARS as much as the next guy but this was by-far the worst panel I attended over the weekend. From the lame script the host kept pretending not to be reading from to the George Lucas blow-job line that started to his left, I couldn’t help but wonder if punching myself in the face would draw too much attention.

The Clone War takes place between the Confederacy of Independent Systems and the Galactic Republic and the plot for the film goes something like this: When Jabba the Hutt’s son, Rotta the Hutt, is taken by a group of renegades, Anakin Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi depart in search of answers: where is the Hutt’s son, and who is controlling this mysterious renegade group? Yoda sends Ahsoka Tano along as Anakin’s apprentice. Count Dooku will unleash his minions, including Asajj Ventress and General Grievous, to cause havoc for the Republic. The film will lead into the television show.

By the time we got around to some of the movie footage I was ready for some old school STAR WARS ass kicking. And that’s exactly what the panel was promising. The trailer was pretty decent with a lot of what you’d expect from these guys at this point. Lots of light sabers, droids, and aliens. Cartoon Anakin was brooding, Obi-Wan was talking shit, Yoda was little. The next clip takes place at the very beginning of the war with Ani, Obi, R2, various Jedi, and some clones getting pinned down by an army of droids. Obi-Wan and Pre-Darth start bickering a bit and then set a plan in motion to destroy everybody’s asses. It’s at this point I begin wondering where the story’s mystery will be. Don’t we know how all this ends? Is it just about the visuals any more? How many times can we see Anakin give Obi-Wan a shady look and exactly how long does his turn to the dark side take? The TV show has 22 episodes this upcoming season and while I’m sure there are plenty of other storylines thrown in the mix, I kind of feel like Anakin Skywalker is played out by now. Whatever, the clip ends with Ani leaping through the air a dozen or so times and killing all the bad guys. At one point you can hear the famous Wilhelm Scream and I chuckle.

– Lucas was around a lot during the production of the television show. It was after he saw some of the animation for the first time that he decided they should make a theatrical movie to kick everything off.

– The host kept hammering it down our throats that we’ll be getting to see STAR WARS every week. We understood. It got so bad even some of the die-hards were reaching for their weapons.

– The old school action promise wasn’t really upheld. This animation action is much more ATTACK OF THE CLONES than EMPIRE STRIKES BACK.

– Every time Lucas’ name was mentioned the panel, which included director Dave Filono, lit up. “It’s an honor to work for him.”, “It’s great to have him watch something we’ve created.”, “He’s so brilliant.”, “I want to make sweet love to his beard.” You get the point.

– The film will feature the original voice talents of Samuel L. Jackson, Anthony Daniels, and Christopher Lee.

– The Force Unleashed game really was the highlight of the night. It centers around Darth Vader’s secret apprentice and their plan to defy the Emperor and take over the universe. I’m guessing things didn’t work out. Vader kills the boy’s father but then saves him from execution and takes him under his wing. The final scene was almost exactly like the final confrontation in RETURN OF THE JEDI as Palpatine encourages an unsure Vader to destroy the boy.

– I personally would have loved to see all this time and money go toward an animated show and/or movie that takes place after JEDI. Give us some updates on Han Solo, Lando, Luke, and Leia. Who in that ranch thinks that Anakin is more important than them? I know who.