Kilmer’s Identity

Val Kilmer has signed on to star in FAKE IDENTITY, a crime thriller about an American doctor working in Chechnya whose life takes a deadly turn when he helps a mysterious woman escape from her would-be assailant. This movie might make a cinematic release, as much as I might make a lasso out of rainbows and snare a cloud made of hopes and dreams.

At the moment no other actors have signed on, and when Kilmer was asked to comment on the prospects, he shifted the donut from the center to the right side of his mouth, licked his index finger clean and said “nyum nyum nyum”. And yeah, I know he isn’t fat anymore since a bunch of you emailed me to set me straight after the last time I ridiculed his weight. But I’ve had that joke in my head for like a month now, so deal with it.