Brad Pitt quits acting

I
actually heard this rumor a couple of weeks ago, but I guess this
makes it official. I doubt that he really means it, but I guess this
means no chance of a FIGHT CLUB 2. Yippee. Sigh. Read the press
release below:

Brad Pitt quits
acting; concentrate on family
Friday, March 31,11:56 PM ET

Los
Angeles — American
actor Brad Pitt announced last night that he would no longer be
acting in movies, and that he was going to be focusing the rest of
his life on his family and helping the world become a better place.
Pitt, who just finished his “last film” with director
David Fincher entitled “The Curious Case of Benjamin
Button”, said that as much as he used to love acting in his
earlier years, he simply can’t seem to find the passion one requires
to do the work these days, “I just can’t keep pretending that
I’m challenged by my acting roles anymore. My eyes have been opened
to the world.”

Pitt,
very pensive, and who over the past two years has confirmed a
relationship with fellow thespian Angelina Jolie, wants to focus on
his growing family with Jolie — which now includes four children —
and get into more humanitarian efforts, much like Angelina. Pitt
said that he would finish up the remaining four projects to which
he’s already contractually obligated, including his “last movie
ever” with director Marc Foster entitled “Dallas Buyer’s
Club”, and then sell all of his belongings in Hollywood and
move to a Castle in Ireland with Jolie and their children, so that
they can have closer access to Africa and the other countries to
which they’re always traveling and buying kids.

“We’ve
got so much money that it doesn’t matter if I don’t work another day
in my life…”, said Pitt, as he joked about how Jolie would
now be the “bread earner” in the family. Referring back to
one of his earlier roles in Tony Scott’s “True Romance”,
Pitt said that he “wasn’t gonna pull a Floyd” and just sit
around in his dirty underwear and smoke pot all day, but did say
that he had always enjoyed smoking marijuana, and that the laws in
many of these other countries allowed him to smoke it, without all
the hassle. He also said that most of the other countries have
“better shit”.

The
good news for fans of the “Tomb Raider” series is that
Jolie also announced that she has signed on for three more sequels
to the smash videogame series, each of which will feature her in
“less and less clothing”. Jolie joked that by the 5th film
in the series, “…we might actually turn it into an X-rated
movie entitled “Boob Raider“,
in which different archeological nerds take turns tit-mashing
me”.

Pitt,
who has made peace with his past, didn’t seem to have any
issues burning his Hollywood bridges now that he’s “seen the
light”. Pitt confirmed that Fincher’s “Fight Club”
was actually a subconscious call for all men to become homosexual,
and that he once slept with Tom Cruise and Antonio Banderas, but
that “we only kissed and shit”. He also confirmed that
“Bruce Willis knows how to party” and that George Clooney,
well…nothing bad to say about George Clooney, apparently he’s just
a class act, all around!

When
Pitt was asked about which role he would remember most in his later
years, he replied “Kalifornia because I was so totally baked
during that entire shoot” and “The Devil’s Own”
because he apparently tried his Irish accent out “as a
joke”, but the director liked it, so they actually kept it in
the movie. “That’s part of the problem I have with Hollywood.
As much as I had some good times early on in my career, the
womanizing, boozing, the coke, the whores, the handjobs– and most
of that was just a weekend at Charlie Sheen’s place– I ultimately
didn’t grow as a human being and I tend to agree with sites like
JoBlo.com that say that Hollywood has just gotten too predictable,
too safe and too sequel and remake hungry.”

Pitt,
who used to secretly date the webmaster of JoBlo.com, Berge
Garabedian (aka JoBlo), wouldn’t admit to the “cheap plug”
for his buddy’s website, but apparently Mr. Garabedian didn’t mind
at all, “Is he single again?” No, Mr. Garabedian, Mr. Brad
Pitt is not single, but he is cool enough to appreciate our
annual April Fool’s Day gag, which this year, is also 100% untrue
from top to bottom. Thanks for playing along, folks.

Oh, and for
our past April Fool’s Day stories, click on the links below, and
remember to use the EMAIL THIS STORY TO A FRIEND link below
to send this hot scoop to your buddies as well. Cheers!

April 1^st,
2006: Wonder Woman
Cast!
April 1^st, 2005: Fincher
directs Ei8ht?
April 1^st, 2004: Alan
Cumming weds Keanu Reeves!


April 1^st, 2003: Zeta-Jones
divorces Michael Douglas!


April 1^st, 2002: Cruise
and Kidman get back together!