Wait a damn minute here, was it me or did the trailer for this flick make it seem like it was a horror film? A haunted house jamboree, perhaps? Well, trust me my friends, this POS (piece of shit) is not a horror helping, it’s more akin to a now played out 90’s like thriller a la “Pacific Heights” or “The Hand that Rocks the Cradle”, minus the thrills or hints of smarts.

Early on in "Cold Creek Manor", a particular character is introduced. At that point, it took me a hefty 2 seconds to tie up every narrative point offered, find a motive and figure out what could really be going on. But I dismissed my “Stove Top” theory, believing: “There’s no way in hell a movie released in 2003 would take such an easy, by-the-numbers and over killed route-- this baby has to be about something else!” Well, after what seemed like hours of tedious buildup, clumsy drama, half-baked relationships, predictable plot conventions and ridiculous attempts at suspense (what was that “snakes” scene all about?), the flick finally pulled down its pants to reveal its raison d’etre and it was pitifully my overly simple theory come true. BEUCH!

Man, Hollywood really must think were imbeciles! You expect me to lap this crud off the floor?! YOU LAP IT UP AND STOP WASTING MY TIME! I’ve had farts with better handled substance than this trite crap. Not only was this shite overly predictable, but every single freaking chance it had to go deep into its more interesting “meat” (like the reason behind the madness, there was potential there) was totally ruined by its lazy demeanor, giving me nothing to care about. And it didn’t stop there, hombres! Once the film’s “non-secret” was officially revealed, all I had left was waiting for its lagging ass to catch up with me. You see, I effortlessly second-guessed every single one of this film’s next moves right down to the location of its last hoorah and the manner in which its “Thriller 101” ending would go down. Yeah, it was real exciting to sit through….real exciting! SNORE! And to make matters worse, the last block also double-downed on plot holes the size of Sharon Stone’s flabby buttocks and beyond idiotic moves by the leads that were obviously committed to FORCE the storyline to its foregone conclusion. Sing it with me: “FUCK THIS MOVIE!”

It might've helped out if the leads in this assembly line product were likeable and developed, but sadly that wasn’t the case either. Cooper (Quaid) was a one-note lush, a pussy dominated by his plastic surgery junkie looking wife. How can I respect that? And he was also an inconsiderate mook at that! I don’t know about you fine people, but if the previous owner of my loft popped up one day and I happened to own all of his old family pictures by default, I’d volunteer to give them back to him in a heartbeat! Well, not good old Coop...he actually keeps the guy’s precious personal belongings with the intent of making a documentary on his family. How about you give the guy his shit and mind your own goddamn business! What a jerk! Somebody needs a lesson in ethics. As for Queen Leah (Stone), well, all I got out of her was that she was a selfish, stuck up cold beeyatch. She’s the kind of dame that would cheat on her husband and smoke her superior’s beef jerky to get a VP job. Wow, what a great couple they made! The Wimp and the Tramp. And you want me to root for these twats??? KISS MY ASS! I wanted them to die…A LOT!

Now, since the directing was also ho-hum, the suspense nil and the score incredibly overbearing (pipe down junior), this trash only had one saving grace and that was Stephen Dorff doing what he does best: playing an aggressive Stephen Dorff. I gotta hand it to the dude, yes...he’s done this shtick before, but he does it so damn well. He was intense, menacing, charismatic and emotionally torn. His “heavy” character actually had more facets than the leads and I was rooting for him like a rooster plowing away during mating season! And let’s face it, I can think of worse ways to get my smiles than by witnessing Stephen Dorff bitch slap Juliette Lewis to high heavens. That was the highlight of the film for me, no doubt...I laughed out loud. That one star and half rating you see tagged to this review IS for Stephen Dorff alone.

This film was at one time titled “The Devil's Throat”.

This film was shot in Toronto, Ontario, Canada.

Screenwriter Richard Jefferies wrote this flick. He also wrote the horror films "The Vagrant" and "Scarecrows".