Arrow in the Head reviews "Bordello of Blood"

Bordello of Blood (1996)

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Directed by:	Gilbert Adler
Starring:	Dennis Miller/Rafe
	Erika Eleniak/Katherine
	Angie Everheart/Lilith
	Chris Sarandon/Rev. Current

RATING

PLOT-CRUNCH:

Anal-retentive church gal (Eleniak) hires the whore of one-liners Rafe (Miller) to find her missing misfit brother (Feldman). Rafe’s investigation leads him to a “secret” brothel under a Mortuary, which is filled with big bosomed, luscious chicks. The snag is that the ladies are really vampires and what initially looked like a Hugh Hefner-created paradise, soon turns into a nightmare…with big tits.

THE LOWDOWN:

Following the very slick “Tales From The Crypt: Demon Knight”, this second entry in the “Tales From The Crypt” big screen series doesn’t fully measure up to its predecessor, but sill manages to deliver a mindless fun ride and the smutty goods we all crave from time to time. Yes, you know what I’m talking about: female flesh and extreme gore. I can stop the review right here, but I won't.

One thing that isn't "all that", is the story here, that’s for sure. I’m talking about a lot of exposition, a mostly useless reverend/church subplot (at least we get to see Chris Sarandon do his thang), an overacting Corey Feldman (it’s embarrassing), some bland directing choices, some stale “Crypt Keeper” snippets (still nice to see the little bugger though), a dumb way to kill the main villainess and it does take a while for all the really good shite to kick into gear. But my saving grace in regards to keeping my attention to the screen (apart from bouncing boobies and splashing plasma) was definitely Dennis “dead-pan” Miller.

Straight up, I think the dude is one funny bastard and his dry wit/ad-libs kept me giggling like a young mother breast-feeding Howie Mandel for the most part. Now if you’re not a Miller fan, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is: his humble presence might annoy the living crap out of you. The GOOD news is: if you manage to keep with the flick, you’ll get to witness an orgy of blood and hooters that will surely put a smile on your face. They don’t show this kind of shit at school, that’s fer sure. Forget Sex-Ed yo!

I don’t need 5 paragraphs to tell ya that this baby is all about goodies over substance. If you’re craving a strong story and drawn out characters, look elsewhere. If you’re in the mood for some good laughs, a couple of creamy tits, lots of zany (and well done) visual effects, some quirky side characters, a midget, some hints of lesbianism (always a good thing), lots of ketchup, a holy water squirt gun vampire massacre, Angie Everheart looking like my last solo fantasy and Corey Feldman making an ass of himself, this is the right whore house to smuggle into. Ribbed condoms anyone?

ACTING:

If you dig Dennis Miller (Rafe) then you’ll love him here. If you hate the man’s humor, this might be painful for you. I think the guy is hilarious, so I was fine the whole way. Erika Eleniak (Katherine) is hot and handles her part well. Angie Everheart (Lilith) didn’t always convince me but WHO CARES, she looks delicious! Chris Sarandon (Rev. Current) got a few smiles out of me as the guitar-slinging preacher. It’s always nice to see the dude in a genre flick. Corey Feldman (Caleb) does fine in human mode but once he becomes a vamp, the overacting kicks in full throttle. Pipe down, Junior!

GORE:

Now that’s what I’m talking about! This tramp doesn’t hold back on the red stuff! We get ripped-out hearts, chewed on hearts, burning vamps, exploding vamps, torso-less vamps, legless vamps, ripped heads and more! Fun freaking times!

T & A:

The flick is about a vampire brothel, what do you think? We get female nudity galore! Lots of melons and lots of booties! On the downside, Miss Everheart and Miss Eleniak keep their shite on. I recommend “Under Siege” or her “Playboy” videos for some Eleniak tit action. As for Everheart, rent “Another 9 and a Half Weeks” to see “more” of her.

DIRECTING:

Adler begins on the right foot by injecting enough atmosphere and kool shots to please. But the middle part of the film feels very lifeless visually (TV movie style). Adler does get his “mojo” back for the high-energy finale though. Uneven.

SOUNDTRACK:

The score is pretty blah but I did dig the use of the tune “Ballroom Blitz” during the carnage sequences…FUN TIMES!

BOTTOM LINE:

“Bordello” = lots of naked chicks, “of blood” = lots of gore. "Bordello of Blood" wears its title well. If you’re hopping in this bed expecting a subtle lay, then you should re-read the title and attempt to fully grasp what this lady is all about. She a dirty, funny hoe! It’s a boyz night out with this one. Whip out the beers and call the hookers (I hear it's 2 for 1 on Wednesdays…thank me later)! PARTY!!!!!!

BULL'S EYE:

If you know your stuff, you’ll notice that the blood-filled key used in this film is the same one they used in Demon Knight.

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